Saturday 14 September 2013

It's Good to Talk(?)

“Hello.”
“Hello.” She must see I have headphones on!
“Chilly this morning!”
Headphones? On ears?
“Yes”
Silence for a moment, from her, not ‘Today’ which I’m trying to listen to.

I’m seated now in a 2-person only row and delve into my back-pack for my Kindle.
“Kindle a?”
“Yes”
“How do you find it? I like the feel of a book in my hands myself,” weird caressing hand movements in sync “but am thinking of trying one!”
“Yes, well, I like it.” I feel I should elaborate now; don’t want to appear rude. What I really want to do is close my eyes and listen to the news, then when I lose 3G (and thereby Radio 4), read my book (Kindle) while listening to some easy music.
“Light-weight, different fonts, readable in all light, the size never changes whatever book you’re reading.” I stop there with a polite smile; had enough chat now. I turn my head straight and close my eyes, Kindle on lap.
Aaah, that’s better, just me, Jim and Justin mulling world matters, questioning-
“Look at the size of this!” I open my eyes and look ahead. I then begrudgingly begin to turn my head left towards (now) Annoying Talking Woman (ATW) but my head-turning is too pedestrian for her. She thrusts a large hardback book in front of me.
“Well, that’s big” I offer as a trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo response. I then, oddly, wonder where she produced this book from. All I can see on her lap is a handbag.
“Yes.” A long awkward silence follows. Then, “It is!”
Oookay! I must close my eyes. Turn away and shut them, now.
Right, okay, who are you talking to Justin? Ah yes, it’s Jim in Washington on Syria-
“Do you think I can get non-fiction books on Kindle?”
Oh come on, headphones on a! Listening to something! Eyes open, head turn left, trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo smile (but I’m not bloody taking my headphones off!)
“Yes you can!” Polite addition…added “Though I tend to just stick to fiction.” Smile, head returned to straight, eyes closed-
“I think I might try one then!”
Eyes open, head turn left, smile.
“Sounds good.” Shit! 3G has dropped out. It’ll be intermittent from now on, then totally gone. Time for some music. I change from radio app. to offline Spotify and some classical. Turn it up so that ATW might hear it as well. A not-so-subtle message that this boy’s not for talking, even if (I am loathe to admit) she is quite pretty with a can’t-place-it-but-cute accent – soft Celt in there I think. I immerse my ears in Bach and engage eyes on my Kindle.
A female hand with pointing forefinger then strays across my visual path and screen.
Oh dear God, what now!
Head up, volume-control/microphone combo button (v-c/mcb) on headphones to Stop, face turn left, smile.
“Nice music. What is it?” So what was the hand pointy thing across my line of sight all about? I’m not taking these headphones off! No, I’m really bloody not!
“’Air’, by Bach.” Silence. Do I turn away now, back to the music and book? Go on, turn away!
“Nice! The music!”
“Yes.” I smile, turn away, hand to v-c/mcb.
“And what you reading?”
She’s having a bloody laugh! I fold! Headphones off.
I hate being polite! I wish I could be one of those people who might say
“Piss off!” Or “Can’t you see I’m bloody listening to something – slash – reading something?” Or what about “There’s no need to be a pest love! If you fancy a piece o’ me just say so and we’ll cut through all this chit-chat crap!” But Nooooo!

“Hugh Laurie’s ‘The Gun Seller’.”
“Is it good?”
“Yes, so far. I’m only on page 12.”
“Oh, right.” Awkward silence, again, then “But, of course, you don’t have pages, as such, with a Kindle do you!”
“No…you don’t.” NUTTER!
I quickly audit my position: No headphones on now; no eyes on Kindle, looking towards ATW but not at her, more an optical no-man’s land; being too polite; (feels like) a twisted smile on my face; and a deep-pit feeling that I'd be happier stringing myself up! In short: Crap!

Just as I contemplate considering assertive action options – I can’t tell you what they were; I didn't get past contemplating considering – ATW manoeuvres to get up. I assume this is to alight, though with her I can't be sure. I stand up to let ATW pass, handbag and large hardback book in each hand.
“Well, thank you ...for?... for telling me ... about?... about your Kindle.”
“Oh that’s-“
“And your music...lost the will now!...Bach was it?”
“Yes. Okay, no-“
“Maybe see you again.”
“Yes (hope not!!)…maybe.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”

As ATW gets off I feel guilty thinking of her as strange. But as the train pulls away, her large hardback book waves goodbye to me. I wave back, and the guilt disappears!

Looking back on the encounter ATW did, in fact, make me review my on-train social policy. She persuaded me, that unless I patented a weird-ometer for identifying people not to sit next to on account of their weirdyness, or against my nature, obtained a 3rd Dan black belt in rudeness, I should in future embrace, not resist ATW and similar irregular commuters. After all, who knows, if you talk to weirdos for long enough, they may finally turn out to be normal, just like us!

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