Ode to Pratman

This is a time of Christmas joy and goodwill to all men! So it is with a heavy heart that I must share with you a common commuter problem. What would your reaction be if you were listening to this?

“Well, I told my Chairman I’ll take on the department but will require a bigger budget to re-align the portfolio balance and match the division’s strategic coefficient!”

I suspect similar to mine:

Prat! And Can’t you talk bollocks any louder so that the whole train can hear?

“Yes, okay Jeremy that works for me! I’ll get my PA to schedule in a Saturday 10am tee-off, then a late lunch in the Player’s Suite. Debbie will liaise with Chloe to confirm….Yes it would be fun (naughty posh boy laugh) but the club has rules, dear boy! The club has rules! (More tittering)…. Yes, very well Jeremy, bye for now!”

Prat and Perve!

When Pratman was talking for effect, was I the only one in the carriage to have the same thoughts? My Visual Face-scan Recognition Technique suggested not! People’s looks betrayed their minds. He appeared to them, as me, like some kind of Ouroboros* - his head so far up his own backside he must surely live permanently in a dark, dank, smelly place! Had all the faces been a choir of voices, the ensemble, I'm sure, would have sung him a Prat’s lament:

Shut the f*** up
You sound like a Cretin
If you don’t stop soon
We’ll get a Vet in
To take your mobile
and insert it wherein
Perving with Jel
means pain unappealing!

This, or similar (better) ode to like effect, would undoubtedly have ensured Pratman appreciated the collective feeling  and dire consequences for his nether regions if he continued with more pratty-ness!

To be fair, some people can’t avoid work-related calls on their mobiles on the train! Take a Doctor, for example, saving a life by talking a colleague through a surgical procedure. Or an Intelligence Officer sanctioning an operation that will prevent a terrorist action. Or a Psychologist talking down a desperately suicidal patient from a self-harming situation. All worthy life-or-death reasons, we might say, for bold, loud, work-related calls on a packed train.

Otherwise, apart from a quiet call-in to the office if the train’s a little late; or an incoming call from a subordinate seeking re-assurance to finish a task, quietly answered with a level of considerate modesty,  is there really any need for nauseous, embarrassing on-train work calls? Even if some believe there is; is there any reason why they should be so loud that everyone else has to suffer them?

A few unfortunate souls, of course, naturally talk loudly, though volume control does exist in mindful people. I am, though, thinking more specifically about Pratman and similar planks, who appear to be under the misapprehension that talking ‘business’ loudly on a train makes them seem important. Well, for such misguided souls, sage advice is at hand!

Stop it, because you sound like a complete prat!

*An ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail.