'Hoody' and 'Shady'

An unusual sight on a busy 7am commuter train - two lads looking suspiciously like drug dealers! 'Hoody' and 'Shady', complete with penis extension Staffordshire Bull Terrier and a means of communication comprising 'I'm a hard man' mumbling, requiring no movement whatsoever of the bottom jaw.

Thus, the street greeting "Alright?" became "Ite" - no 't' or upward inflection in the enquiry. The response "Yes" (it wouldn't be 'ard to say "Yes thank you") became a phonetic child-like "E".

It is, of course, unreasonable to call them drug dealers without tangible evidence. That and the fact that proper drug dealers would surely not choose to look as ludicrous on an early commuter train among the suits as Hoody, Shady and Cilla the Staff (or was it Killer? I may have misheard). The train was very warm, heating (unnecessarily) turned up and most seats taken. Yet Hoody had his hood up under a body warmer and chin tucked on his chest looking pasty and cold. It was also overcast outside. Yet Shady wore mirror pilot shades along with a yellow beany, clearly trying to draw no attention to himself whatsoever! Cilla/Killer lay on the floor beneath Hoody’s legs panting as if it had just run a marathon.

I say no evidence, a brown coloured package was passed underhandedly by Shady to Hoody. I was at the wrong angle to determine the exact nature of the handover and was more peaking than staring. To be fair, it could have just been a bag of Winalot for Cilla/Killer.

The scene, however, sadly, got me thinking about the three amigos and why they were travelling on this train. Why dress that way; have Cilla/Killer in tow and talk like illiterates? Was this all by design, or had their city suits met with a horrible dry-cleaning accident while they simultaneously fell victim to a debilitating speech impediment?

Let’s assume for a moment that they weren't travelling into their respective city offices - my workplace for one offers no kennel facilities for Cilla/Killer or other animals while executives crunch the numbers. What could their business be, in a predominantly business office area?

Perhaps after the dry cleaning and linguistic trauma, they just fancied a day off and an early day out! Start pre- 7am on a commuter train; take Cilla/Killer for a nice walk ... in the business district; maybe enjoy a relaxing coffee and croissant; later some brunch and lunchtime cocktails at a lounge bar. Or, more cynically, they were travelling in to supply recreational products or services to their city based clientele. But would they really be so blatant and look so ridiculous if serious suppliers?

The problem with choosing to look and sound this way is that the average person may, unfairly, think you were, in fact, drug-dealers masquerading as plonkers.

I once went to a business seminar which included a presentation about ‘Perception’. The speaker, a Sales Director of a big international company, pointing to every aspect of his dress code, confirmed:

I don’t like wearing a suit and tie! And cuff-links: What are they all about nowadays? But, I am a Sales Director of an internationally respected company. Consequently, I wear a tailored suit, good quality shirt requiring these (pointing to the cuff-links), and tie, two-inches of cuff showing beyond the jacket sleeve, daily-shined Brogues, a gold brand-name watch (visible) and a matching hanky showing in my jacket pocket. This is my uniform. I wear it because if I look like an international company Sales Director; walk, act and speak like a Sales Director, then those that see me will perceive that this is what I am!

Transpose that to Hoody and Shady and it is clear: If you dress, walk, talk and act like drug-dealer plonkers, you are to all intense and purposes, drug dealer plonkers.