You have to try this!
My train slowly pulls out of Greenwich. It's been a peaceful commute so far. As I look outside, Elgar begins to play through my headphones. I really like this piece#! I turn up the volume.
'Nimrod' begins to take hold of me. I start to drift away! In most of the next 4 minutes 14 seconds - the length of the recording, I transcend much of what passes as my journey. I experience what I call an out of body experience.
Prelude
I'm cosy and content in my corner window seat. It's a cold morning but warm blood pulses around my fingers and toes. I'm nice and snug! Initially, I feel the motion of the train enhancing my drift into the music. I begin to see the regular landscape passing by me, which is like most commuter views into major cities. [A patchwork of open green and brown spaces, trees of autumn shades (today) lit by the sun then masked by early morning shade, interlaced with old style houses, fancy new apartment blocks, tired tower blocks, factories, a football stadium, church spires, over-bridges, under-passes; streets busy with cars, cyclists, pedestrians. Mid-stations flashing by to rushing echo and static outlines of faceless people.] There's a subtle breeze on the back of my neck. It conspires with the embracing sound to make my neck-hairs stand on end.
The Now
The unknowable moment comes and my Prelude no longer exists! The observable, sense-based world has gone from my life! I am oblivious to my surroundings on a crowded speeding train; I see nothing of the glass-framed scenery unfolding before me; I feel none of the physical sensations I enjoyed seconds earlier. I exist, I think, but not in any space I am aware of, or in a time I can knowingly measure. It's like the instant you fall asleep: You don't know precisely when that is, you just eventually come around to the fact that you dropped off.
In this non-physical, musically inspired mental state (if there is scientifically such a thing), I am not here with you, with everyone else. In the minutes of this music I am either totally imprisoned or else completely set free - I don't know which! I don't care! And as 'Nimrod' reaches its crescendo and then moves serenely towards a peaceful end, I am simultaneously overcome by euphoria and melancholy. (I know: How can I feel such things if I'm not here! Well, this isn't Philosophy 101; you'll just have to go with it!)
I know what I didn't sense or feel in these lost - or were they truly lived? minutes: Town-planner-organised rush-hour chaos, sad-looking pedestrians, ill-tempered road users, frustrated standing-room-only train passengers, noise irritation, train signal stop-starts.... I jumped over these minutes, like a time-traveller, to instantly arrive at a waking point coinciding with a moment shortly after the end of the music.
As you have just read, out of body experiences are tricky things to describe! So please don't feel obliged to read this again (though secretly I'd quite like you to)! Instead, I passionately urge you to download Elgar's 'Nimrod', get comfy on your commute, turn the volume up and try it for yourself!
See you on the other side!
# 'Variation on an Original Theme Op.36 "Enigma" - 9. Nimrod (Adagio)' - Sir Edward Elgar
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
Sunday, 13 October 2013
Off the Rails - a short Play
What’s it about?
Tolerance; respect for others; appearances can deceive; the real person in a crisis.
Situation:
Petty bickering among 4 standing passengers on a busy commuter train.
We all see trivial disputes on commuter trains. Small niggles can become big arguments! But what if a truly big incident occurs?
As the pathetic dispute pales into insignificance, will the real characters step forward in this crisis?
Background
The characters are based on people I’ve observed on my daily commute. The trivial discussions, the dispute over noise and the rude comments are also what I’ve over-heard on the train, though not all at the same time.
The Characters (not their real names)
Janine
Early-30s, smart appearance, flat shoes, Office Administrator. Tall, pale skin, mousy colour shoulder length hair, pretty face, figure visible but rounding a little.
My impression of her: Although conscientious when it comes to her job, she lacks confidence. Too nice! Possibly a walk-over at work; certainly with the men in her life. A woman who fears it’s getting late to marry and start a family.
Kevin
Late-20s, Builder, white but tanned, short horse-shoe-ing hair, unshaven, slightly below average male height, straight-backed, head up, chest out, stance wide. Not a bad looking face but carries an unfriendly look. Sun newspaper reader. Knee-length combat shorts and site boots. Polo shirt with paint stains. Paint-stains also on his arms from the previous day. On-ear headphones and a canvass bag for his tools.
My impression of him: He wants to portray confidence; that he is not to be messed with. Stands and looks the way he does to off-set his lack of height.
Marion
Mid-40s, white with fake tan, smoker, average female height, a bit overweight, bleached blonde hair, style too young for her, a little unkempt. Ill-fitting dress and heeled ankle boots. Surly looking face. Office job of some kind. Sounded like a Merseyside accent.
My impression of her: Doesn’t like herself much. Her smoking (on the platform) appeared to be stress relieving - deep drags. Uses a harsh exterior as a defence mechanism so as not to appear vulnerable and fragile. Any politeness sounds and feels fake.
Tristan (Tris)
Early-30s, of Caribbean-decent, smart, tight-cut blue business suit, red and white striped shirt, cufflinks showing, red tie. Effeminate sounding, sharp tongue. Works in Public Relations. Friend (and confidant) of Janine.
My impression of him: Smart-mouthed but not necessarily intelligent. Air of a snob among the common man. Likes the sound of his own voice. He is friends with Janine but she is really there for him to spout off to and she listens and takes it! In the end, it’s all about him.
© Stephen Reed 2013
SCENE 1
INSIDE AN EARLY MORNING
COMMUTER TRAIN, DAWN BREAKING.
THE TRAIN IS BUSY,ALL SEATS ARE
TAKEN, SO PASSENGERS HAVE TO
STAND HOLDING OVERHEAD HANDLES
AND SIDE BARS. OUTSIDE,
OCCASIONAL SPARKS LIGHT UP FROM
THE ELECTRIC LINE. THE
BACKGROUND NOISE IS THAT OF A
TYPICAL COMMUTER TRAIN.
AS THE CURTAINS OPEN/CARRIAGE LIGHTS COME ON,
JANINE, TRIS, MARION AND KEVIN ARE STANDING BETWEEN
THE TRAIN'S DOORS HOLDING ON TO PASSENGER
HANDLES/SIDE BARS. THEY MOVE AND SWAY WITH THE
TRAIN'S MOTION. KEVIN HAS OVER-EAR HEADPHONES ON. A
TINNY SOUND EMMINATES FROM THEM.
TRIS
(To Janine)
Look, honey, forget him! He's a bell-end!
JANINE
I still have some of his things. I'll box them up for
him and call-
TRIS
No! He can do it himself!
THEY ALL SWAY WITH A BIG JOLT OF THE TRAIN.
MARION
Woh!
MARION LOOKS ANXIOUSLY OUTSIDE.
JANINE
He hasn't been well Tris!
TRIS
Not well? Girlfriend, he's so bone idle! And says he has
athlete's foot but how? Unless it's from all that
walking down to The Plough!
JANINE
I know you've never liked him Tris but he's not that
bad. And I honestly think he wants me back in his life!
TRIS
Girl; he left you for that slut Simone! If he wants you
back in his life it's because he wants double helpings!
He used you before; he'll use you again!
KEVIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND TURNS UP HIS MUSIC. TINNY
SOUND IS NOW LOUD.
TRIS
(To Kevin)
Excuse me! Er, excuse me!
KEVIN BEGRUDGINGLY REMOVES ONE HEADPHONE.
KEVIN
Yeah?
TRIS
Would you turn that music down please?
KEVIN
No!
KEVIN REPLACES HIS EARPHONE.
TRIS
How rude! Er, excuse me!
JANINE
It's okay Tris, leave it. It's not that bad!
TRIS
Excuse me!
KEVIN REMOVES AN EARPHONE AGAIN.
KEVIN
What!
TRIS
I asked you to turn that music down; we can't hear
ourselves talk!
KEVIN
No, but I can!
KEVIN PUTS HIS EARPHONE BACK ON. THEY THEN ALL SWAY
AGAIN WITH THE TRAIN, THIS TIME A LITTLE MORE
VIOLENTLY THAN BEFORE.
JANINE
Woh, that was a bit rough!
MARION TAPS KEVIN ON THE ARM. KEVIN REMOVES AN
EARPHONE AGAIN.
MARION
It's too loud! Turn it down, or I'll-
KEVIN
Sod off Faggy!
KEVIN PUTS HIS EARPHONE BACK ON.
JANINE
Oh dear! Er!
MARION
What? What did you call me? 'Ey, I'm talking to you!
EARPHONE BACK OFF.
KEVIN
You 'eard! Yer breath smells like an old ash tray! Now
leave me alone, the pair o' yer!
MARION
First you little shit learn some manners before I knock
them into you! And second have some consideration for
others. That's too loud! Now if you don't-
KEVIN
Don't what? Tell Prissy 'ere and
(To Janine)
What's yer name darlin'?
JANINE
Er, Janine. Hel-
KEVIN
Jan 'ere not to talk so loud; then I don't 'ave to turn
my music up to shut them out!
(To Janine)
Nothin' against you darlin' but don't really wanna 'ear
about yer man trouble. I'm Kev by the way!
KEVIN GRINS AND HOLDS OUT A HAND TO JANINE. JANINE
SHAKES IT.
JANINE
(To herself)
Oh, very nice.
TRIS
Huh! You really are so rude! And my name is Tris!
Tristan! And don't talk to my friend like that.
(To Janine)
Don't you mind this lout baby doll!
KEVIN GOES TO PUT HIS EARPHONE BACK ON BUT MARION
GRABS HIS ARM. INSTEAD SHE SLIPS AND FALLS TO HER
KNEES AS THE TRAIN JOLTS VIOLENTLY AGAIN. HER HEAD
IS NOW LEVEL AND VERY CLOSE TO KEVIN'S GROIN.
KEVIN
No thanks Faggy, don't want nicotine poisonin' down
there!
KEVIN PUT HIS EARPHONE BACK ON. JANINE HELPS MARION
UP WHO REGAINS HER HANDLE-HOLD.
MARION
(To Janine)
Thank you lovely!
JANINE
You o-
MARION
(To Kevin)
You think you're such a big man don't you, you
snivelling little prat! 'Ey, I'm talking to you!
MARION PUSHES KEVIN'S ARM. KEVIN REMOVES HIS
EARPHONE AGAIN.
I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole!
KEVIN
I'd sooner have the fuckin' barge poll! Now, sod off!
It's nothin'to do with you anyway! It's Pretty-boy 'ere
that started blubbin'!
KEVIN REPLACES HIS EARPHONE.
TRIS
What did you-? Is that all you got builder boy? Name
calling? Acting like a prick because that’s where your
tiny brain is? Bet your Mother's sooooo proud!
JANINE
Er Tris-
TRIS
Why don't you show some respect to others, then maybe
they'll show some to you!
JANINE
(To Tris)
He can't hear you.
TRIS
What sweet pea?
JANINE
Kev can't-
TRIS
Oh, Kev is it?
JANINE
His headphones are still on.
TRIS
Hey, I'm talking to you!
MARION
Leave this prick to me! 'Ey, arsehole!
MARION POKES KEVIN IN THE CHEST.
Arsehole! I'm talking to you!
JANINE
His name's Kevin.
MARION
Er, yes, thank you ... Janine, I've got it petal!
KEVIN REMOVES AN EARPHONE AGAIN TURNING TOWARDS
JANINE.
KEVIN
(To Janine)
You okay Jan? Thought I saw you talkin' to me.
JANINE
Oh, no, well, this lady was-
KEVIN
So what do you do then Jan?
JANINE
Er, it's Janine...but Jan's fine! I'm an Office
Administrator. What about you? What-
MARION
Never mind that! Sorry, lovely, but I want to have a
word with you!
TRIS
And so do I!
KEVIN
Oi! Don't call me 'Lovely'!
KEVIN LAUGHS.
TRIS
No, she meant-
KEVIN
Right you two, shut it! I've 'ad enough! I've told yer:
Keep yer noise down an' I'll turn this down! Why should
me an' everyone else 'ave to listen to you?
JANINE
That's fair!
(To Tris)
That is fair Tris!
TRIS
(To Janine)
That's f...?
(To Kevin)
First, we are entitled to talk freely and second, you
need to apologise to me and ...
MARION
Marion
TRIS
Marion here, for being so pig-ignorant and rude!
KEVIN
Talk all you like Pissy-
TRIS
Trissy...Tris!
KEVIN
As long as I don't 'ave to listen to it!
(To Marion)
And you! No more breavin' on me!
ALL 4 THEN SUDDENLY SWING ABOUT VIOLENTLY AS THE
TRAIN APPEARS TO RUN TOO FAST OVER POINTS. MARION
LETS OUT A MUTED SCREAM. SHE GRABS TRIS. JANINE
GRABS KEVIN AND HOLDS HIM CLOSE AND LINGERS A
LITTLE TOO LONG, IT APPEARS NOT ALTOGETHER BECAUSE
OF THE JOLT. THIS IS CLEARLY NOTICED BY TRIS.
Bloody 'ell, what's this driver about?
MARION LOOKS OUTSIDE.
MARION
We're going too fast!
TRISTAN STARTS PANICKING.
TRIS
Oh my god! Stop him, stop the train! Pull the lever!
Pull it!
JANINE
No I don't think we are. Well, maybe a little. Oh dear!
ALL 4 SUDDENLY SWING ABOUT AGAIN VIOLENTLY.
KEVIN
Fuckin' 'ell I think we're gonna crash!
JANINE
No, no, I'm sure ...we can't, we'll be ok! Oh dear!
TRIS
Oh god, oh god please don't let me die, please don't let
me die! Pull the lever! Someone stop the
train!
ALL 4 CLOSE TOGETHER.
ALL
Aaaaaaaaaaargh!
LIGHTS BLACK OUT TO THE SOUND OF A CRASH.
SCENE 2
INSIDE THE TRAIN, DEBRIS LAYING
AROUND, DUST IN THE AIR. THE
TRAIN ITSELF IS SILENT.
AS THE LIGHTS COME ON, OUR 4 PASSENGERS ARE LAYING
AMONG BAGS, DEBRIS AND ACROSS EACH OTHER - MARION'S
FACE IS IN KEVIN'S LAP. THEY ARE ALL STIRRING FROM
THE SHOCK. JANINE IS FIRST TO BEGIN SITTING UP.
JANINE
Tris, Tris, are you okay? Oh my arm! Aargh!
TRIS
Aaaaaaargh! Help me! Help me!
JANINE
Tris, are you hurt? Can you hear me Tris?
TRIS STARTS TO SIT UP. KEVIN COMES ROUND AND SEES
MARION, FACE IN HIS LAP. MARION ALSO STIRS.
KEVIN
(To Marion)
Can't stay away from my cock then!
MARION
Errrgh! What, what?
KEVIN SITS UP. PUTS A GENTLE HAND ON MARION.
KEVIN
(To Marion)
You alright? 'Ere, come on, sit up.
KEVIN HELPS MARION.
TRIS
Ha! I'm alright! I'm alright! Ha!
(Starts shouting)
Help! Help! I'm in here. Anybody! Help!
KEVIN
Oi! Stop fuckin' shoutin'!
(To Janine)
Jan, you okay? Jan?
(To Tris)
Prissy, check Jan! I think she's hurt!
TRIS
(Shouting)
Help! I'm in here! Anyone.
JANINE
I'm okay I think. My arm really hurts though!
KEVIN
Okay Jan don't move, I'm coming over!
(To Tris)
And you, stop fuckin' shoutin' or I'll give you a slap!
MARION
(To Kevin)
Thank you! I'll deal with him. You see to her.
KEVIN MOVES OVER AND INSPECTS JANINE'S ARM. JANINE
LIKES THE ATTENTION BUT THE PAIN BRINGS HER BACK TO
REALITY.
(To Tris)
Right, young man, calm yourself down! Are you hurt in
any way?
TRIS CHECKS HIMSELF ALL OVER. THEN CHECKS HIS
CLOTHES.
TRIS
No, I'm okay. No damage! Haha, I'm fine!
MARION
In that case help me up. Hey, can you smell that?
TRIS GETS UP BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN, THEN GOES OVER
TO HELP MARION.
TRIS
Smell what?
KEVIN
Hey, that smells like burning! Hang on Jan.
KEVIN MOVES AND LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CARRIAGE.
Fuck! There's smoke from the next carriage. We need to
get out of 'ere!
KEVIN GOES BACK TO HELP JANINE UP.
TRIS
Oh no no no!
(Panicking and shouting again)
There's a fire, there's a fire! Help! Help! In here! Get
me out!
MARION
Hey, bloody calm yourself man! You're not the only one
in here you know!
KEVIN
(To Janine)
'Ere, stand with Fag...Marion.
(To Tris)
Prissy-
TRIS
(Still shouting)
It's Tris!
KEVIN
'Elp me with this door.
KEVIN TRIES THE EMERGENCY DOOR LEVER BUT IT DOESN'T
WORK. HE TRIES THE OTHER DOOR WHICH ALSO DOESN'T
WORK.
'Ang on!
TRIS
Hurry, hurry! I have to get out!
JANINE
(To Tris)
For fuck sake Tris, shut the fuck up!
(Calmer)
Sorry, sorry everyone!
MARION
Now, now, petal, we'll be okay!
KEVIN FINDS HIS TOOL BAG AND GETS OUT A THICK METAL
CHISEL.
KEVIN
(To Tris)
Right, I'm gonna stick this in the gap an' wedge the
door open. You get ready to grab the door and start
pullin'!
TRIS
But my fingers, they'll be crushed!
KEVIN
I'll fuckin' crush you if you don't 'elp! Now stop
blubbin' and get ready to grab the door an' start
pullin'!
KEVIN USES HIS CHISEL AND LEVERS THE DOOR. HE THEN
PUTS A HAND IN THE GAP AND TRIS PUTS BOTH HIS HANDS
IN. THEY BOTH PULL TO OPEN A DOOR EACH.
There, we're getting it!
KEVIN PUSHES HIS DOOR OPEN, THEN HELPS TRISTAN. THE
DOORS ARE NOW OPEN.
Okay, Jan, Marion, come over! Right, Priss-
TRIS
Please, it's Tris!
KEVIN
Whatever! Okay, you jump down!
TRIS
What?
KEVIN
You 'eard, jump!
TRIS
I'm not jumping. You jump!
KEVIN
Alright! But if these doors close, you're stuck! Okay,
when I'm down, Jan you sit on the edge an' I'll catch
yer! Then you Mar-
TRIS
Wait, wait! You mean I gotta go last?
KEVIN
Yeah! 'Elp these out, then you-
TRIS
No, forget it!
MARION
(To Tris)
Look, are you going first or last?
JANINE
There's no time for this Tris!
KEVIN
I'm goin'!
TRIS
No wait, I'll go!
KEVIN
Well fuckin' 'urry up! Sit 'ere, then jump!
TRISTAN NERVOUSLY SITS DOWN THEN EASES HIMSELF OFF
THE EDGE AND JUMPS.
TRIS
Haha, I'm out! Haha, thank god!
KEVIN
(To Tris)
Right, stand there an' wait for Jan!
(To Janine)
Okay Jan...Janine, don't worry, we'll get you out an'
off to 'ospital with that arm! Take it easy!
MARION
Yes pretty thing, but not too long a!
EXCHANGE OF NERVOUS LAUGHS. KEVIN HELPS JANINE
DOWN. TRIS IS READY TO HELP.
TRIS
Oh, thank god Janine, we're safe!
JANINE
We're not all out yet Tris. And there could be others in
the train need our help!
TRIS
The services can deal with them baby doll! Main thing is
we're safe!
KEVIN
Alright Marion, your turn!
MARION
Okay! Truth is; a bit scary! Don't like heights!
KEVIN
Yor be fine! Ain't that 'igh. don't worry, I'll 'elp!
MARION
Sorry, you know, about earlier!
KEVIN
Well, yeah...me un all!
MARION
And thanks! You could've just left us!
KEVIN
Wouldn' do that! Well
(nodding towards Tris)
maybe 'im! Now come on, let's go!
KEVIN HELPS LOWER MARION DOWN. THEN, AS KEVIN GOES
TO PICK UP HIS TOOL BAG, THE DOORS CLOSE, THE
LIGHTS IN THE CARRIAGE GO OUT AND A PLUME OF SMOKE
FILLS THE INSIDE SPACE.
JANINE
(Screaming)
Kevin? Kevin? Get out of there! Kevin! Kevin!
STAGE LIGHTS BLACK OUT.
SCENE 3
OUTDOORS, ON THE TRACKS,
ALONGSIDE THE CARRIAGE THE
PASSENGERS HAVE JUST CLIMBED
DOWN FROM.
JANNINE IS HOLDING HER DAMAGED ARM PACING UP AND
DOWN LOOKING AT THE CARRIAGE.
JANINE
Kevin! Where are you? Get out! Please! Kevin!
TRIS
Come on, let's get away before this thing blows up!
JANINE
Tris shut up! Look for Kevin!
(Shouting)
Kevin!
TRIS
Come on honey, we need to get away. It's dangerous. I-
MARION
Tris! Shut, the fuck up!
MARION PUNCHES TRIS IN THE MOUTH. TRIS FALLS TO HIS
BACKSIDE HOLDING HIS MOUTH.
(To Janine)
Sorry babe! Why's he your friend exactly?
TRIS GETS UP STILL CLUTCHING HIS MOUTH.
TRIS
You nasty old witch! Come on Janine, let's go!
JANINE
No Tris, I'm staying here! I've got to find Kevin! He
saved us, can't you see?
MARION
(To Tris)
Sod off if you want! Not much of a friend are you!
Selfish; that's what you are!
JANINE
(Shouting)
Kevin! Kevin!
TRIS
Well if that's how it is!
JANINE
Kevin!
KEVIN ENTERS FROM BEHIND JANINE, MARION AND TRIS.
KEVIN
Stop yer shoutin'! I'm right 'ere!
JANINE
Oh Kevin.
JANINE HURRIES TOWARDS HIM, GOOD ARM OUT TO HOLD
HIM.
TRIS
Oh dear god!
MARION
It's love!
TRIS
What, Janine?
MARION
No him! Look at his face!
TRIS
It's horrible! Well, I’m not staying to watch this freak
show! How am I going to get home?
MARION
Wait for the Police! It's dangerous! Others might-
TRIS WALKS AWAY DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CARRIAGE OFF
STAGE. KEVIN SUDDENLY LET'S GO OF JANINE AND
REACHES IN THE DIRECTION OF TRIS.
KEVIN
(shouting)
Oi, stop, watch out! Tris watch out! Get down!
A CRASH OF DEBRIS IS HEARD. JANINE AND MARION TURN
TO SEE WHAT KEVIN IS SHOUTING AT. KEVIN TURNS
TOWARDS JANINE. JANINE AND MARION BOTH SCREAM OUT.
BLACKOUT.
© STEPHEN REED 2013
Tolerance; respect for others; appearances can deceive; the real person in a crisis.
Situation:
Petty bickering among 4 standing passengers on a busy commuter train.
We all see trivial disputes on commuter trains. Small niggles can become big arguments! But what if a truly big incident occurs?
As the pathetic dispute pales into insignificance, will the real characters step forward in this crisis?
Background
The characters are based on people I’ve observed on my daily commute. The trivial discussions, the dispute over noise and the rude comments are also what I’ve over-heard on the train, though not all at the same time.
The Characters (not their real names)
Janine
Early-30s, smart appearance, flat shoes, Office Administrator. Tall, pale skin, mousy colour shoulder length hair, pretty face, figure visible but rounding a little.
My impression of her: Although conscientious when it comes to her job, she lacks confidence. Too nice! Possibly a walk-over at work; certainly with the men in her life. A woman who fears it’s getting late to marry and start a family.
Kevin
Late-20s, Builder, white but tanned, short horse-shoe-ing hair, unshaven, slightly below average male height, straight-backed, head up, chest out, stance wide. Not a bad looking face but carries an unfriendly look. Sun newspaper reader. Knee-length combat shorts and site boots. Polo shirt with paint stains. Paint-stains also on his arms from the previous day. On-ear headphones and a canvass bag for his tools.
My impression of him: He wants to portray confidence; that he is not to be messed with. Stands and looks the way he does to off-set his lack of height.
Marion
Mid-40s, white with fake tan, smoker, average female height, a bit overweight, bleached blonde hair, style too young for her, a little unkempt. Ill-fitting dress and heeled ankle boots. Surly looking face. Office job of some kind. Sounded like a Merseyside accent.
My impression of her: Doesn’t like herself much. Her smoking (on the platform) appeared to be stress relieving - deep drags. Uses a harsh exterior as a defence mechanism so as not to appear vulnerable and fragile. Any politeness sounds and feels fake.
Tristan (Tris)
Early-30s, of Caribbean-decent, smart, tight-cut blue business suit, red and white striped shirt, cufflinks showing, red tie. Effeminate sounding, sharp tongue. Works in Public Relations. Friend (and confidant) of Janine.
My impression of him: Smart-mouthed but not necessarily intelligent. Air of a snob among the common man. Likes the sound of his own voice. He is friends with Janine but she is really there for him to spout off to and she listens and takes it! In the end, it’s all about him.
© Stephen Reed 2013
SCENE 1
INSIDE AN EARLY MORNING
COMMUTER TRAIN, DAWN BREAKING.
THE TRAIN IS BUSY,ALL SEATS ARE
TAKEN, SO PASSENGERS HAVE TO
STAND HOLDING OVERHEAD HANDLES
AND SIDE BARS. OUTSIDE,
OCCASIONAL SPARKS LIGHT UP FROM
THE ELECTRIC LINE. THE
BACKGROUND NOISE IS THAT OF A
TYPICAL COMMUTER TRAIN.
AS THE CURTAINS OPEN/CARRIAGE LIGHTS COME ON,
JANINE, TRIS, MARION AND KEVIN ARE STANDING BETWEEN
THE TRAIN'S DOORS HOLDING ON TO PASSENGER
HANDLES/SIDE BARS. THEY MOVE AND SWAY WITH THE
TRAIN'S MOTION. KEVIN HAS OVER-EAR HEADPHONES ON. A
TINNY SOUND EMMINATES FROM THEM.
TRIS
(To Janine)
Look, honey, forget him! He's a bell-end!
JANINE
I still have some of his things. I'll box them up for
him and call-
TRIS
No! He can do it himself!
THEY ALL SWAY WITH A BIG JOLT OF THE TRAIN.
MARION
Woh!
MARION LOOKS ANXIOUSLY OUTSIDE.
JANINE
He hasn't been well Tris!
TRIS
Not well? Girlfriend, he's so bone idle! And says he has
athlete's foot but how? Unless it's from all that
walking down to The Plough!
JANINE
I know you've never liked him Tris but he's not that
bad. And I honestly think he wants me back in his life!
TRIS
Girl; he left you for that slut Simone! If he wants you
back in his life it's because he wants double helpings!
He used you before; he'll use you again!
KEVIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND TURNS UP HIS MUSIC. TINNY
SOUND IS NOW LOUD.
TRIS
(To Kevin)
Excuse me! Er, excuse me!
KEVIN BEGRUDGINGLY REMOVES ONE HEADPHONE.
KEVIN
Yeah?
TRIS
Would you turn that music down please?
KEVIN
No!
KEVIN REPLACES HIS EARPHONE.
TRIS
How rude! Er, excuse me!
JANINE
It's okay Tris, leave it. It's not that bad!
TRIS
Excuse me!
KEVIN REMOVES AN EARPHONE AGAIN.
KEVIN
What!
TRIS
I asked you to turn that music down; we can't hear
ourselves talk!
KEVIN
No, but I can!
KEVIN PUTS HIS EARPHONE BACK ON. THEY THEN ALL SWAY
AGAIN WITH THE TRAIN, THIS TIME A LITTLE MORE
VIOLENTLY THAN BEFORE.
JANINE
Woh, that was a bit rough!
MARION TAPS KEVIN ON THE ARM. KEVIN REMOVES AN
EARPHONE AGAIN.
MARION
It's too loud! Turn it down, or I'll-
KEVIN
Sod off Faggy!
KEVIN PUTS HIS EARPHONE BACK ON.
JANINE
Oh dear! Er!
MARION
What? What did you call me? 'Ey, I'm talking to you!
EARPHONE BACK OFF.
KEVIN
You 'eard! Yer breath smells like an old ash tray! Now
leave me alone, the pair o' yer!
MARION
First you little shit learn some manners before I knock
them into you! And second have some consideration for
others. That's too loud! Now if you don't-
KEVIN
Don't what? Tell Prissy 'ere and
(To Janine)
What's yer name darlin'?
JANINE
Er, Janine. Hel-
KEVIN
Jan 'ere not to talk so loud; then I don't 'ave to turn
my music up to shut them out!
(To Janine)
Nothin' against you darlin' but don't really wanna 'ear
about yer man trouble. I'm Kev by the way!
KEVIN GRINS AND HOLDS OUT A HAND TO JANINE. JANINE
SHAKES IT.
JANINE
(To herself)
Oh, very nice.
TRIS
Huh! You really are so rude! And my name is Tris!
Tristan! And don't talk to my friend like that.
(To Janine)
Don't you mind this lout baby doll!
KEVIN GOES TO PUT HIS EARPHONE BACK ON BUT MARION
GRABS HIS ARM. INSTEAD SHE SLIPS AND FALLS TO HER
KNEES AS THE TRAIN JOLTS VIOLENTLY AGAIN. HER HEAD
IS NOW LEVEL AND VERY CLOSE TO KEVIN'S GROIN.
KEVIN
No thanks Faggy, don't want nicotine poisonin' down
there!
KEVIN PUT HIS EARPHONE BACK ON. JANINE HELPS MARION
UP WHO REGAINS HER HANDLE-HOLD.
MARION
(To Janine)
Thank you lovely!
JANINE
You o-
MARION
(To Kevin)
You think you're such a big man don't you, you
snivelling little prat! 'Ey, I'm talking to you!
MARION PUSHES KEVIN'S ARM. KEVIN REMOVES HIS
EARPHONE AGAIN.
I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole!
KEVIN
I'd sooner have the fuckin' barge poll! Now, sod off!
It's nothin'to do with you anyway! It's Pretty-boy 'ere
that started blubbin'!
KEVIN REPLACES HIS EARPHONE.
TRIS
What did you-? Is that all you got builder boy? Name
calling? Acting like a prick because that’s where your
tiny brain is? Bet your Mother's sooooo proud!
JANINE
Er Tris-
TRIS
Why don't you show some respect to others, then maybe
they'll show some to you!
JANINE
(To Tris)
He can't hear you.
TRIS
What sweet pea?
JANINE
Kev can't-
TRIS
Oh, Kev is it?
JANINE
His headphones are still on.
TRIS
Hey, I'm talking to you!
MARION
Leave this prick to me! 'Ey, arsehole!
MARION POKES KEVIN IN THE CHEST.
Arsehole! I'm talking to you!
JANINE
His name's Kevin.
MARION
Er, yes, thank you ... Janine, I've got it petal!
KEVIN REMOVES AN EARPHONE AGAIN TURNING TOWARDS
JANINE.
KEVIN
(To Janine)
You okay Jan? Thought I saw you talkin' to me.
JANINE
Oh, no, well, this lady was-
KEVIN
So what do you do then Jan?
JANINE
Er, it's Janine...but Jan's fine! I'm an Office
Administrator. What about you? What-
MARION
Never mind that! Sorry, lovely, but I want to have a
word with you!
TRIS
And so do I!
KEVIN
Oi! Don't call me 'Lovely'!
KEVIN LAUGHS.
TRIS
No, she meant-
KEVIN
Right you two, shut it! I've 'ad enough! I've told yer:
Keep yer noise down an' I'll turn this down! Why should
me an' everyone else 'ave to listen to you?
JANINE
That's fair!
(To Tris)
That is fair Tris!
TRIS
(To Janine)
That's f...?
(To Kevin)
First, we are entitled to talk freely and second, you
need to apologise to me and ...
MARION
Marion
TRIS
Marion here, for being so pig-ignorant and rude!
KEVIN
Talk all you like Pissy-
TRIS
Trissy...Tris!
KEVIN
As long as I don't 'ave to listen to it!
(To Marion)
And you! No more breavin' on me!
ALL 4 THEN SUDDENLY SWING ABOUT VIOLENTLY AS THE
TRAIN APPEARS TO RUN TOO FAST OVER POINTS. MARION
LETS OUT A MUTED SCREAM. SHE GRABS TRIS. JANINE
GRABS KEVIN AND HOLDS HIM CLOSE AND LINGERS A
LITTLE TOO LONG, IT APPEARS NOT ALTOGETHER BECAUSE
OF THE JOLT. THIS IS CLEARLY NOTICED BY TRIS.
Bloody 'ell, what's this driver about?
MARION LOOKS OUTSIDE.
MARION
We're going too fast!
TRISTAN STARTS PANICKING.
TRIS
Oh my god! Stop him, stop the train! Pull the lever!
Pull it!
JANINE
No I don't think we are. Well, maybe a little. Oh dear!
ALL 4 SUDDENLY SWING ABOUT AGAIN VIOLENTLY.
KEVIN
Fuckin' 'ell I think we're gonna crash!
JANINE
No, no, I'm sure ...we can't, we'll be ok! Oh dear!
TRIS
Oh god, oh god please don't let me die, please don't let
me die! Pull the lever! Someone stop the
train!
ALL 4 CLOSE TOGETHER.
ALL
Aaaaaaaaaaargh!
LIGHTS BLACK OUT TO THE SOUND OF A CRASH.
SCENE 2
INSIDE THE TRAIN, DEBRIS LAYING
AROUND, DUST IN THE AIR. THE
TRAIN ITSELF IS SILENT.
AS THE LIGHTS COME ON, OUR 4 PASSENGERS ARE LAYING
AMONG BAGS, DEBRIS AND ACROSS EACH OTHER - MARION'S
FACE IS IN KEVIN'S LAP. THEY ARE ALL STIRRING FROM
THE SHOCK. JANINE IS FIRST TO BEGIN SITTING UP.
JANINE
Tris, Tris, are you okay? Oh my arm! Aargh!
TRIS
Aaaaaaargh! Help me! Help me!
JANINE
Tris, are you hurt? Can you hear me Tris?
TRIS STARTS TO SIT UP. KEVIN COMES ROUND AND SEES
MARION, FACE IN HIS LAP. MARION ALSO STIRS.
KEVIN
(To Marion)
Can't stay away from my cock then!
MARION
Errrgh! What, what?
KEVIN SITS UP. PUTS A GENTLE HAND ON MARION.
KEVIN
(To Marion)
You alright? 'Ere, come on, sit up.
KEVIN HELPS MARION.
TRIS
Ha! I'm alright! I'm alright! Ha!
(Starts shouting)
Help! Help! I'm in here. Anybody! Help!
KEVIN
Oi! Stop fuckin' shoutin'!
(To Janine)
Jan, you okay? Jan?
(To Tris)
Prissy, check Jan! I think she's hurt!
TRIS
(Shouting)
Help! I'm in here! Anyone.
JANINE
I'm okay I think. My arm really hurts though!
KEVIN
Okay Jan don't move, I'm coming over!
(To Tris)
And you, stop fuckin' shoutin' or I'll give you a slap!
MARION
(To Kevin)
Thank you! I'll deal with him. You see to her.
KEVIN MOVES OVER AND INSPECTS JANINE'S ARM. JANINE
LIKES THE ATTENTION BUT THE PAIN BRINGS HER BACK TO
REALITY.
(To Tris)
Right, young man, calm yourself down! Are you hurt in
any way?
TRIS CHECKS HIMSELF ALL OVER. THEN CHECKS HIS
CLOTHES.
TRIS
No, I'm okay. No damage! Haha, I'm fine!
MARION
In that case help me up. Hey, can you smell that?
TRIS GETS UP BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN, THEN GOES OVER
TO HELP MARION.
TRIS
Smell what?
KEVIN
Hey, that smells like burning! Hang on Jan.
KEVIN MOVES AND LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CARRIAGE.
Fuck! There's smoke from the next carriage. We need to
get out of 'ere!
KEVIN GOES BACK TO HELP JANINE UP.
TRIS
Oh no no no!
(Panicking and shouting again)
There's a fire, there's a fire! Help! Help! In here! Get
me out!
MARION
Hey, bloody calm yourself man! You're not the only one
in here you know!
KEVIN
(To Janine)
'Ere, stand with Fag...Marion.
(To Tris)
Prissy-
TRIS
(Still shouting)
It's Tris!
KEVIN
'Elp me with this door.
KEVIN TRIES THE EMERGENCY DOOR LEVER BUT IT DOESN'T
WORK. HE TRIES THE OTHER DOOR WHICH ALSO DOESN'T
WORK.
'Ang on!
TRIS
Hurry, hurry! I have to get out!
JANINE
(To Tris)
For fuck sake Tris, shut the fuck up!
(Calmer)
Sorry, sorry everyone!
MARION
Now, now, petal, we'll be okay!
KEVIN FINDS HIS TOOL BAG AND GETS OUT A THICK METAL
CHISEL.
KEVIN
(To Tris)
Right, I'm gonna stick this in the gap an' wedge the
door open. You get ready to grab the door and start
pullin'!
TRIS
But my fingers, they'll be crushed!
KEVIN
I'll fuckin' crush you if you don't 'elp! Now stop
blubbin' and get ready to grab the door an' start
pullin'!
KEVIN USES HIS CHISEL AND LEVERS THE DOOR. HE THEN
PUTS A HAND IN THE GAP AND TRIS PUTS BOTH HIS HANDS
IN. THEY BOTH PULL TO OPEN A DOOR EACH.
There, we're getting it!
KEVIN PUSHES HIS DOOR OPEN, THEN HELPS TRISTAN. THE
DOORS ARE NOW OPEN.
Okay, Jan, Marion, come over! Right, Priss-
TRIS
Please, it's Tris!
KEVIN
Whatever! Okay, you jump down!
TRIS
What?
KEVIN
You 'eard, jump!
TRIS
I'm not jumping. You jump!
KEVIN
Alright! But if these doors close, you're stuck! Okay,
when I'm down, Jan you sit on the edge an' I'll catch
yer! Then you Mar-
TRIS
Wait, wait! You mean I gotta go last?
KEVIN
Yeah! 'Elp these out, then you-
TRIS
No, forget it!
MARION
(To Tris)
Look, are you going first or last?
JANINE
There's no time for this Tris!
KEVIN
I'm goin'!
TRIS
No wait, I'll go!
KEVIN
Well fuckin' 'urry up! Sit 'ere, then jump!
TRISTAN NERVOUSLY SITS DOWN THEN EASES HIMSELF OFF
THE EDGE AND JUMPS.
TRIS
Haha, I'm out! Haha, thank god!
KEVIN
(To Tris)
Right, stand there an' wait for Jan!
(To Janine)
Okay Jan...Janine, don't worry, we'll get you out an'
off to 'ospital with that arm! Take it easy!
MARION
Yes pretty thing, but not too long a!
EXCHANGE OF NERVOUS LAUGHS. KEVIN HELPS JANINE
DOWN. TRIS IS READY TO HELP.
TRIS
Oh, thank god Janine, we're safe!
JANINE
We're not all out yet Tris. And there could be others in
the train need our help!
TRIS
The services can deal with them baby doll! Main thing is
we're safe!
KEVIN
Alright Marion, your turn!
MARION
Okay! Truth is; a bit scary! Don't like heights!
KEVIN
Yor be fine! Ain't that 'igh. don't worry, I'll 'elp!
MARION
Sorry, you know, about earlier!
KEVIN
Well, yeah...me un all!
MARION
And thanks! You could've just left us!
KEVIN
Wouldn' do that! Well
(nodding towards Tris)
maybe 'im! Now come on, let's go!
KEVIN HELPS LOWER MARION DOWN. THEN, AS KEVIN GOES
TO PICK UP HIS TOOL BAG, THE DOORS CLOSE, THE
LIGHTS IN THE CARRIAGE GO OUT AND A PLUME OF SMOKE
FILLS THE INSIDE SPACE.
JANINE
(Screaming)
Kevin? Kevin? Get out of there! Kevin! Kevin!
STAGE LIGHTS BLACK OUT.
SCENE 3
OUTDOORS, ON THE TRACKS,
ALONGSIDE THE CARRIAGE THE
PASSENGERS HAVE JUST CLIMBED
DOWN FROM.
JANNINE IS HOLDING HER DAMAGED ARM PACING UP AND
DOWN LOOKING AT THE CARRIAGE.
JANINE
Kevin! Where are you? Get out! Please! Kevin!
TRIS
Come on, let's get away before this thing blows up!
JANINE
Tris shut up! Look for Kevin!
(Shouting)
Kevin!
TRIS
Come on honey, we need to get away. It's dangerous. I-
MARION
Tris! Shut, the fuck up!
MARION PUNCHES TRIS IN THE MOUTH. TRIS FALLS TO HIS
BACKSIDE HOLDING HIS MOUTH.
(To Janine)
Sorry babe! Why's he your friend exactly?
TRIS GETS UP STILL CLUTCHING HIS MOUTH.
TRIS
You nasty old witch! Come on Janine, let's go!
JANINE
No Tris, I'm staying here! I've got to find Kevin! He
saved us, can't you see?
MARION
(To Tris)
Sod off if you want! Not much of a friend are you!
Selfish; that's what you are!
JANINE
(Shouting)
Kevin! Kevin!
TRIS
Well if that's how it is!
JANINE
Kevin!
KEVIN ENTERS FROM BEHIND JANINE, MARION AND TRIS.
KEVIN
Stop yer shoutin'! I'm right 'ere!
JANINE
Oh Kevin.
JANINE HURRIES TOWARDS HIM, GOOD ARM OUT TO HOLD
HIM.
TRIS
Oh dear god!
MARION
It's love!
TRIS
What, Janine?
MARION
No him! Look at his face!
TRIS
It's horrible! Well, I’m not staying to watch this freak
show! How am I going to get home?
MARION
Wait for the Police! It's dangerous! Others might-
TRIS WALKS AWAY DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CARRIAGE OFF
STAGE. KEVIN SUDDENLY LET'S GO OF JANINE AND
REACHES IN THE DIRECTION OF TRIS.
KEVIN
(shouting)
Oi, stop, watch out! Tris watch out! Get down!
A CRASH OF DEBRIS IS HEARD. JANINE AND MARION TURN
TO SEE WHAT KEVIN IS SHOUTING AT. KEVIN TURNS
TOWARDS JANINE. JANINE AND MARION BOTH SCREAM OUT.
BLACKOUT.
© STEPHEN REED 2013
Interlude - Scottish Highlands
I can't describe the view over Loch Linnhe, near Glencoe, Argyll on this warm, still, late afternoon. I absorb its sight and peaceful sound (yes okay along with a local Red Cullen beer 4.2% vol.) and want to type a few words but the right ones won't come. So I'll just direct you to my picture below. Sometimes - a lesson I'd do well to learn better - saying less is more!
Loch Linnhe, Kentallen
When I first sat down to type, I had this idea to tell you about every view around each bend of the highland roads; alongside all the great lochs. Whether it was sunny, overcast, or even better in some cases raining, every one it's own scene and character, on show only in the time it takes for the weather to change, even slightly, to make the view a different set and character. But there were two things wrong with this: 1. The outstanding scenery cannot be reduced to mere description (never mind poor theatrical analogy) and 2. Whilst the highlands may justly be called the undisputed visitor attraction in Scotland, this wouldn't cover what also makes coming here worthwhile.
The highland people, I confess, were a pleasant surprise to me. That sounds harsh, for which I humbly apologise. I wrongly assumed that they would be hardy, no-nonsense, as a counter to the landscape and weather conditions at their worst. That they would be impatient with soft outsiders. Also, with the current Scottish independence debate on-going, I anticipated small pockets at least of anti-English sentiment. But the people have, to me, been the opposite!
Cynically, you might say that in this tourist environment like any other, They would be wouldn't they! But such a mask can only last for so long. Here, the highland people, conservative (with a small 'c') and no sufferers of fools it's fair to say, are respectful, friendly and helpful, all with a smile. I found this not just in so-called tourist towns but in places like Kinlochleven and Mallaig where, of course, tourists go but other local industries also flourish - fishing and fish farming, small ship and other marine re-fitting and repairs, brewing, clothes manufacturing, hill farming, logging and forestry management.
The people here seem the sort who'd prefer I didn't write about them and stuck to writing about the land they are rightly proud of. So, okay, I won't write about them! But I also won't attempt to write about the landscape! Instead, I'll refer you to another one of my pictures.
View across Ben Nevis Range at 2000 feet
Ps
More on the railway theme, on Monday I went on the Harry Potter 'Jacobite' train line out of Fort William. It was 84 miles and 1 hour 20 minutes of one of the best train journey you will ever make! My picture of the Glenfinnan viaduct follows.
Loch Linnhe, Kentallen
When I first sat down to type, I had this idea to tell you about every view around each bend of the highland roads; alongside all the great lochs. Whether it was sunny, overcast, or even better in some cases raining, every one it's own scene and character, on show only in the time it takes for the weather to change, even slightly, to make the view a different set and character. But there were two things wrong with this: 1. The outstanding scenery cannot be reduced to mere description (never mind poor theatrical analogy) and 2. Whilst the highlands may justly be called the undisputed visitor attraction in Scotland, this wouldn't cover what also makes coming here worthwhile.
The highland people, I confess, were a pleasant surprise to me. That sounds harsh, for which I humbly apologise. I wrongly assumed that they would be hardy, no-nonsense, as a counter to the landscape and weather conditions at their worst. That they would be impatient with soft outsiders. Also, with the current Scottish independence debate on-going, I anticipated small pockets at least of anti-English sentiment. But the people have, to me, been the opposite!
Cynically, you might say that in this tourist environment like any other, They would be wouldn't they! But such a mask can only last for so long. Here, the highland people, conservative (with a small 'c') and no sufferers of fools it's fair to say, are respectful, friendly and helpful, all with a smile. I found this not just in so-called tourist towns but in places like Kinlochleven and Mallaig where, of course, tourists go but other local industries also flourish - fishing and fish farming, small ship and other marine re-fitting and repairs, brewing, clothes manufacturing, hill farming, logging and forestry management.
The people here seem the sort who'd prefer I didn't write about them and stuck to writing about the land they are rightly proud of. So, okay, I won't write about them! But I also won't attempt to write about the landscape! Instead, I'll refer you to another one of my pictures.
View across Ben Nevis Range at 2000 feet
Ps
More on the railway theme, on Monday I went on the Harry Potter 'Jacobite' train line out of Fort William. It was 84 miles and 1 hour 20 minutes of one of the best train journey you will ever make! My picture of the Glenfinnan viaduct follows.
Saturday, 14 September 2013
It's Good to Talk(?)
“Hello.”
“Hello.” She must see I have headphones on!
“Chilly this morning!”
Headphones? On ears?
“Yes”
Silence for a moment, from her, not ‘Today’ which I’m trying to listen to.
I’m seated now in a 2-person only row and delve into my back-pack for my Kindle.
“Kindle a?”
“Yes”
“How do you find it? I like the feel of a book in my hands myself,” weird caressing hand movements in sync “but am thinking of trying one!”
“Yes, well, I like it.” I feel I should elaborate now; don’t want to appear rude. What I really want to do is close my eyes and listen to the news, then when I lose 3G (and thereby Radio 4), read my book (Kindle) while listening to some easy music.
“Light-weight, different fonts, readable in all light, the size never changes whatever book you’re reading.” I stop there with a polite smile; had enough chat now. I turn my head straight and close my eyes, Kindle on lap.
Aaah, that’s better, just me, Jim and Justin mulling world matters, questioning-
“Look at the size of this!” I open my eyes and look ahead. I then begrudgingly begin to turn my head left towards (now) Annoying Talking Woman (ATW) but my head-turning is too pedestrian for her. She thrusts a large hardback book in front of me.
“Well, that’s big” I offer as a trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo response. I then, oddly, wonder where she produced this book from. All I can see on her lap is a handbag.
“Yes.” A long awkward silence follows. Then, “It is!”
Oookay! I must close my eyes. Turn away and shut them, now.
Right, okay, who are you talking to Justin? Ah yes, it’s Jim in Washington on Syria-
“Do you think I can get non-fiction books on Kindle?”
Oh come on, headphones on a! Listening to something! Eyes open, head turn left, trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo smile (but I’m not bloody taking my headphones off!)
“Yes you can!” Polite addition…added “Though I tend to just stick to fiction.” Smile, head returned to straight, eyes closed-
“I think I might try one then!”
Eyes open, head turn left, smile.
“Sounds good.” Shit! 3G has dropped out. It’ll be intermittent from now on, then totally gone. Time for some music. I change from radio app. to offline Spotify and some classical. Turn it up so that ATW might hear it as well. A not-so-subtle message that this boy’s not for talking, even if (I am loathe to admit) she is quite pretty with a can’t-place-it-but-cute accent – soft Celt in there I think. I immerse my ears in Bach and engage eyes on my Kindle.
A female hand with pointing forefinger then strays across my visual path and screen.
Oh dear God, what now!
Head up, volume-control/microphone combo button (v-c/mcb) on headphones to Stop, face turn left, smile.
“Nice music. What is it?” So what was the hand pointy thing across my line of sight all about? I’m not taking these headphones off! No, I’m really bloody not!
“’Air’, by Bach.” Silence. Do I turn away now, back to the music and book? Go on, turn away!
“Nice! The music!”
“Yes.” I smile, turn away, hand to v-c/mcb.
“And what you reading?”
She’s having a bloody laugh! I fold! Headphones off.
I hate being polite! I wish I could be one of those people who might say
“Piss off!” Or “Can’t you see I’m bloody listening to something – slash – reading something?” Or what about “There’s no need to be a pest love! If you fancy a piece o’ me just say so and we’ll cut through all this chit-chat crap!” But Nooooo!
“Hugh Laurie’s ‘The Gun Seller’.”
“Is it good?”
“Yes, so far. I’m only on page 12.”
“Oh, right.” Awkward silence, again, then “But, of course, you don’t have pages, as such, with a Kindle do you!”
“No…you don’t.” NUTTER!
I quickly audit my position: No headphones on now; no eyes on Kindle, looking towards ATW but not at her, more an optical no-man’s land; being too polite; (feels like) a twisted smile on my face; and a deep-pit feeling that I'd be happier stringing myself up! In short: Crap!
Just as I contemplate considering assertive action options – I can’t tell you what they were; I didn't get past contemplating considering – ATW manoeuvres to get up. I assume this is to alight, though with her I can't be sure. I stand up to let ATW pass, handbag and large hardback book in each hand.
“Well, thank you ...for?... for telling me ... about?... about your Kindle.”
“Oh that’s-“
“And your music...lost the will now!...Bach was it?”
“Yes. Okay, no-“
“Maybe see you again.”
“Yes (hope not!!)…maybe.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
As ATW gets off I feel guilty thinking of her as strange. But as the train pulls away, her large hardback book waves goodbye to me. I wave back, and the guilt disappears!
Looking back on the encounter ATW did, in fact, make me review my on-train social policy. She persuaded me, that unless I patented a weird-ometer for identifying people not to sit next to on account of their weirdyness, or against my nature, obtained a 3rd Dan black belt in rudeness, I should in future embrace, not resist ATW and similar irregular commuters. After all, who knows, if you talk to weirdos for long enough, they may finally turn out to be normal, just like us!
“Hello.” She must see I have headphones on!
“Chilly this morning!”
Headphones? On ears?
“Yes”
Silence for a moment, from her, not ‘Today’ which I’m trying to listen to.
I’m seated now in a 2-person only row and delve into my back-pack for my Kindle.
“Kindle a?”
“Yes”
“How do you find it? I like the feel of a book in my hands myself,” weird caressing hand movements in sync “but am thinking of trying one!”
“Yes, well, I like it.” I feel I should elaborate now; don’t want to appear rude. What I really want to do is close my eyes and listen to the news, then when I lose 3G (and thereby Radio 4), read my book (Kindle) while listening to some easy music.
“Light-weight, different fonts, readable in all light, the size never changes whatever book you’re reading.” I stop there with a polite smile; had enough chat now. I turn my head straight and close my eyes, Kindle on lap.
Aaah, that’s better, just me, Jim and Justin mulling world matters, questioning-
“Look at the size of this!” I open my eyes and look ahead. I then begrudgingly begin to turn my head left towards (now) Annoying Talking Woman (ATW) but my head-turning is too pedestrian for her. She thrusts a large hardback book in front of me.
“Well, that’s big” I offer as a trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo response. I then, oddly, wonder where she produced this book from. All I can see on her lap is a handbag.
“Yes.” A long awkward silence follows. Then, “It is!”
Oookay! I must close my eyes. Turn away and shut them, now.
Right, okay, who are you talking to Justin? Ah yes, it’s Jim in Washington on Syria-
“Do you think I can get non-fiction books on Kindle?”
Oh come on, headphones on a! Listening to something! Eyes open, head turn left, trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo smile (but I’m not bloody taking my headphones off!)
“Yes you can!” Polite addition…added “Though I tend to just stick to fiction.” Smile, head returned to straight, eyes closed-
“I think I might try one then!”
Eyes open, head turn left, smile.
“Sounds good.” Shit! 3G has dropped out. It’ll be intermittent from now on, then totally gone. Time for some music. I change from radio app. to offline Spotify and some classical. Turn it up so that ATW might hear it as well. A not-so-subtle message that this boy’s not for talking, even if (I am loathe to admit) she is quite pretty with a can’t-place-it-but-cute accent – soft Celt in there I think. I immerse my ears in Bach and engage eyes on my Kindle.
A female hand with pointing forefinger then strays across my visual path and screen.
Oh dear God, what now!
Head up, volume-control/microphone combo button (v-c/mcb) on headphones to Stop, face turn left, smile.
“Nice music. What is it?” So what was the hand pointy thing across my line of sight all about? I’m not taking these headphones off! No, I’m really bloody not!
“’Air’, by Bach.” Silence. Do I turn away now, back to the music and book? Go on, turn away!
“Nice! The music!”
“Yes.” I smile, turn away, hand to v-c/mcb.
“And what you reading?”
She’s having a bloody laugh! I fold! Headphones off.
I hate being polite! I wish I could be one of those people who might say
“Piss off!” Or “Can’t you see I’m bloody listening to something – slash – reading something?” Or what about “There’s no need to be a pest love! If you fancy a piece o’ me just say so and we’ll cut through all this chit-chat crap!” But Nooooo!
“Hugh Laurie’s ‘The Gun Seller’.”
“Is it good?”
“Yes, so far. I’m only on page 12.”
“Oh, right.” Awkward silence, again, then “But, of course, you don’t have pages, as such, with a Kindle do you!”
“No…you don’t.” NUTTER!
I quickly audit my position: No headphones on now; no eyes on Kindle, looking towards ATW but not at her, more an optical no-man’s land; being too polite; (feels like) a twisted smile on my face; and a deep-pit feeling that I'd be happier stringing myself up! In short: Crap!
Just as I contemplate considering assertive action options – I can’t tell you what they were; I didn't get past contemplating considering – ATW manoeuvres to get up. I assume this is to alight, though with her I can't be sure. I stand up to let ATW pass, handbag and large hardback book in each hand.
“Well, thank you ...for?... for telling me ... about?... about your Kindle.”
“Oh that’s-“
“And your music...lost the will now!...Bach was it?”
“Yes. Okay, no-“
“Maybe see you again.”
“Yes (hope not!!)…maybe.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
As ATW gets off I feel guilty thinking of her as strange. But as the train pulls away, her large hardback book waves goodbye to me. I wave back, and the guilt disappears!
Looking back on the encounter ATW did, in fact, make me review my on-train social policy. She persuaded me, that unless I patented a weird-ometer for identifying people not to sit next to on account of their weirdyness, or against my nature, obtained a 3rd Dan black belt in rudeness, I should in future embrace, not resist ATW and similar irregular commuters. After all, who knows, if you talk to weirdos for long enough, they may finally turn out to be normal, just like us!
Wednesday, 28 August 2013
There's a woman between my legs!
It's hot today! And packed! Luckily I have a seat by the door. It should be an easy exit when the time comes, even with all these people. But it'll be tricky to stand up when I have to; now there's a woman between my thighs.
As the underground carriage doors opened I absent-mindedly looked towards them. You couldn't miss her! Tall, easily 6 feet (152.4 cm), long crinkly blond hair over her bronzed shoulders and down her back. Red thin-strapped ankle-length cotton clinging dress... clinging! Oh and as she boarded, it was clear to all who have a vague interest in these things, that she was bra-less. Now, being a 31 year veteran of happy marriage, I, of course pay no heed to such things, occupying as I do a life above the baser demon physical plane. However, for the sake of a complete picture for my reader (and Neville, I hope that rash clears up soon), the curvature and fullness of breast under the straight across top may best be described as ample. Her blue eyes and full lips matching the colour of the dress officially qualified her as a Goddess!
"Goddess you say!" I note your scepticism. But here's the thing: After my initial glimpse of female in red dress (clinging) (frd(c)) my complete view of her was blocked out, initially by her hips approximately 12 inches (30.5 cm) from my nose and then, part way through the 3 minute journey to the next stop when she somehow turned round, her bottom. Given my seating position and head height relative to curved body parts, it was tricky to obtain a complete overview. I can tell you this, though: The thin nature of the dress material meant it was extremely difficult to evade the indisputable visual evidence, that she wore a string thong!
Anyway, my predicament being as it was and the fact that I now had to endure the next 3 gruelling minutes, goddess between legs, no front view other than the thong-zone; all I could do was look left or right at other people.
You questioned the term "Goddess"? Well, okay, she clearly wasn't, as far as I could tell, an actual female deity. No glow-surround or Peter Jackson trying to cast her for his next Tolkien film! But if a goddess is otherwise defined as a woman who is greatly admired especially for her beauty, then it was from the people I observed, observing her, that the term stands up.
Men drooled, one literally. Though that could have initially been from his nose - he did appear to have a summer cold! Their eyes widened and grew, like binoculars on heat. And however hard they tried, men's faces turned back to her direction as if magnetised by an irresistible force of nature. Women eyed her up and down in the way women do! They betrayed every thought, from overt disgust (or was that just plain jealousy?) to lust. In between there was begrudging admiration, though eyes surveyed critically checking every detail, trying to find fault that would make them feel better i.e. less threatened and just a little smug.
Possibly more amusing was watching the women looking at the men looking at frd(c). One woman smiled watching these sad pathetic males unable to temper their hormonal urges. Though one suspects the smile masked a quiet envy! Another used a physical reaction: An elbow to her man’s side. He tried so hard but failed to fight the force. A third looked like a Women's Studies post-grad. who thought every man was an arsehole clearly objectifying the person and should be shot for (still) being Cavemen!
My 3 minute journey was coming to an end. There was a shuffle towards the doors as we neared Kings Cross, a popular stop. I felt simultaneously sad yet excited. I might yet see a goddess in uninterrupted Plasma HD 3-D Technicolor Surround Sound-vision. Sadly not! The doors opened and many disembarked, including frd(c), who's thong-zone, back, shoulders, and then arms (in that order) were quickly absorbed into the crowd. As she grew smaller with distance in the otherwise blurred surrounding visual frame, all I could see was her blond mane.
As I left the station and walked to the venue for my meeting I considered what it must be like for her, being looked at in the way she was. But then I thought
'No! I cannot sympathise. Did she for one moment consider me in all this? You know; standing between my legs, looking all Goddessy, placing me in that position?' I think not!
I decided there and then, that if another goddess one day chose to get between my legs again, in public, I would seriously, very seriously consider, if time and space allowed and the journey not too bumpy making it hazardous to do otherwise, think about offering to get up and swap places. Then we'd see how goddess woman liked the white y-front groinal/posterior outlook! I for one would not tolerate being ogled as a love god!
As the underground carriage doors opened I absent-mindedly looked towards them. You couldn't miss her! Tall, easily 6 feet (152.4 cm), long crinkly blond hair over her bronzed shoulders and down her back. Red thin-strapped ankle-length cotton clinging dress... clinging! Oh and as she boarded, it was clear to all who have a vague interest in these things, that she was bra-less. Now, being a 31 year veteran of happy marriage, I, of course pay no heed to such things, occupying as I do a life above the baser demon physical plane. However, for the sake of a complete picture for my reader (and Neville, I hope that rash clears up soon), the curvature and fullness of breast under the straight across top may best be described as ample. Her blue eyes and full lips matching the colour of the dress officially qualified her as a Goddess!
"Goddess you say!" I note your scepticism. But here's the thing: After my initial glimpse of female in red dress (clinging) (frd(c)) my complete view of her was blocked out, initially by her hips approximately 12 inches (30.5 cm) from my nose and then, part way through the 3 minute journey to the next stop when she somehow turned round, her bottom. Given my seating position and head height relative to curved body parts, it was tricky to obtain a complete overview. I can tell you this, though: The thin nature of the dress material meant it was extremely difficult to evade the indisputable visual evidence, that she wore a string thong!
Anyway, my predicament being as it was and the fact that I now had to endure the next 3 gruelling minutes, goddess between legs, no front view other than the thong-zone; all I could do was look left or right at other people.
You questioned the term "Goddess"? Well, okay, she clearly wasn't, as far as I could tell, an actual female deity. No glow-surround or Peter Jackson trying to cast her for his next Tolkien film! But if a goddess is otherwise defined as a woman who is greatly admired especially for her beauty, then it was from the people I observed, observing her, that the term stands up.
Men drooled, one literally. Though that could have initially been from his nose - he did appear to have a summer cold! Their eyes widened and grew, like binoculars on heat. And however hard they tried, men's faces turned back to her direction as if magnetised by an irresistible force of nature. Women eyed her up and down in the way women do! They betrayed every thought, from overt disgust (or was that just plain jealousy?) to lust. In between there was begrudging admiration, though eyes surveyed critically checking every detail, trying to find fault that would make them feel better i.e. less threatened and just a little smug.
Possibly more amusing was watching the women looking at the men looking at frd(c). One woman smiled watching these sad pathetic males unable to temper their hormonal urges. Though one suspects the smile masked a quiet envy! Another used a physical reaction: An elbow to her man’s side. He tried so hard but failed to fight the force. A third looked like a Women's Studies post-grad. who thought every man was an arsehole clearly objectifying the person and should be shot for (still) being Cavemen!
My 3 minute journey was coming to an end. There was a shuffle towards the doors as we neared Kings Cross, a popular stop. I felt simultaneously sad yet excited. I might yet see a goddess in uninterrupted Plasma HD 3-D Technicolor Surround Sound-vision. Sadly not! The doors opened and many disembarked, including frd(c), who's thong-zone, back, shoulders, and then arms (in that order) were quickly absorbed into the crowd. As she grew smaller with distance in the otherwise blurred surrounding visual frame, all I could see was her blond mane.
As I left the station and walked to the venue for my meeting I considered what it must be like for her, being looked at in the way she was. But then I thought
'No! I cannot sympathise. Did she for one moment consider me in all this? You know; standing between my legs, looking all Goddessy, placing me in that position?' I think not!
I decided there and then, that if another goddess one day chose to get between my legs again, in public, I would seriously, very seriously consider, if time and space allowed and the journey not too bumpy making it hazardous to do otherwise, think about offering to get up and swap places. Then we'd see how goddess woman liked the white y-front groinal/posterior outlook! I for one would not tolerate being ogled as a love god!
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
Cos the World Owes Me!
Do you use a bus on your commute? There's a type of person I see more on the bus than the train; the young female with toddler in push chair, wearing a default surly face which says ‘Out o' my way, can’t you see I’m comin' froo?’
You may have seen them yourself: Grey stained ill-fitting tracksuit bottoms and off-grime trainers, crop top with excess body over the waistband complete with belly-button stud drowning in flab; three-toned 'blond' 'hair'; an excess of silver chains, rings, dangly loop earrings and a nose stud; money wasted in the nails shop sporting ludicrous, impractical talon extensions, clutching a packet o’ fags and an expensive mobile phone in one hand while steering the off-spring buggy with the other, caring little for fellow passengers. The balling toddler looks like it's dressed in Surly’s own baby clothes, under a blanket that itself screams "Launder me a month ago!"
I watch (from the middle of the bus) an older gentleman with walking stick get up from his seat near the front – seats meant for the elderly and disabled as well as push-chair users – and offer it to Surly. To be fair Surly says “Fanks” but in a monotone of expectation rather than acknowledgement of a kindly deed, and with a look now directed at the older woman sitting next to her saying ‘Well move then, my buggy’s gotta go there!’
I am uplifted as the older lady looks straight back at her, smiles, then returns to her book with more class than Surly will muster in her lifetime. The scene is a striking contrast - the older woman, poised, smartly dressed, life's experience carried with dignity on her face, the look of a considerate person: the young girl, slouching, characterless, slovenly, a taker!
Balling offspring is red-faced; cheeks tear-soaked, snot-nosed. Surly leans over impatiently, made more inconvenient for her (and humorous for me) by the older woman not moving. She may look considerate but it doesn't mean she lacks self-confidence.
"Stop it, Britney! What you cryin' about? 'Ere!" Surly stuffs a dummy in her child's mouth. This works for a second before the dummy falls out. It is, though, brilliantly caught in the fall by the older woman, like an expert slip-fielder. Britney starts balling again but not before older lady receives a high-pitched 'Woooo' from a man sitting opposite and a small clap from two smiling teenage girls in standing room only. She passes it to Surly, dummy teat up under Surly's mouth; for me a superbly comic moment!
Surly is momentarily stunned. The older lady smiles her smile again and once more returns to her book. After what seems like an age, Surly sucks on the dummy (as if her cigarette-saliva and breath will sterilise it) and this time, coaxes it into Britney's mouth in a more caring way.
As I get off the bus I observe the scene one last time. Surly is on her mobile now talking to her friend Tiff, just subtly enough for the whole bus to hear. Older lady, straight-backed, unmoved, continues to read. The image is stark. Yes it's one of age, appearance (literally and perceptually), life experience, style, class. But it's also, sadly, one of distinctly opposite (and in the latter case growing) outlooks on life: Consideration of others in a shared world versus one solely interested in what the world owes me.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Sad? Anal?
‘Hang on, is someone in my place? No I think I’m okay. Or am I? Shit! Better get there quick!’
My step quickens. I allow plenty of time to get to my platform waiting points, morning and night. I know exactly where the doors open to my preferred carriages and thereby the prime spots to board for my favoured seats. Gotta secure my space!
“Sad git!” I hear you think. “What are you talking about; a forty minute commute? An hour? Whatever! Just get on and deal with it!”
Well, okay. In that case I should advise, successfully boarding is Stage 2.
“You’re…(optional swear word)…joking right?"
No! Stage 1 is to scan the carriages, both as the trains pull in and in the seconds preceding the doors opening, checking if my preferred and/or back-up seats are free. Further, that this stage be executed with a convincing look of unwavering, indifferent coolness. If they are free, boarding decision clear! If not, a super-fast survey and decision making process must ensue so that, when Stage 2 begins, I do not hesitate and consequently lose out in the race-for-the-remaining-best-seats stakes.
I know you’re rolling your eyes now. You want to say something not altogether flattering about me.
But wait! My carriages offer easy boarding, and alighting at journeys end. In the morning, most people at my station want to get on at, or near, the front. The platform is crowded and scrums form around the doors. The carriages also look busier. At journeys end, these same carriages are full of later standing passengers with a propensity to hover impatiently at the doors and rush out to the barriers; only then to stand there queuing after a quickstep-n-dodgem pelt to get one person ahead. I board the second to last carriage. No scrum here; it’s like passengers from earlier stations have ignored the carriage’s existence. At journeys end, I wait until most people get off, then leisurely put on my jacket/coat, don my back-pack and stroll down to the barriers where the queues have gone – straight through.
In the evening I board at a starter station. I often see my regular-ish train come in and empty out. Here, I get on three carriages from the front and because I am one of the first to board, always get a favoured seat. This carriage has two advantages: It generally clears out at the station prior to my mine, leaving me in a nice quiet carriage for the last leg of my commute; and when it stops at my station, the doors open right by the steps leading to the exit. Consequently, without rush, I ready myself in comfort by the door and then step out with minimal hassle to leave the station.
“Really?” you scoff, “You’re that anal about it? Just go with the flow! If you have to wait and queue, live with it! If you get overtaken in the rush, well that’s commuting for you! If you don’t like it, don’t commute!”
I hear your thoughts! Honestly! But I say, preparation beats consternation!
As I approach my platform space, relief prevails.
‘That’s a bit of luck, they’re not quite in the right place.’ Inside I savour a warming moment of smugness! Standing in my spot, the universe is once more in balance!
Sad? Maybe! Anal? Possibly – a bit! Comfortable and (relatively) relaxed? Definitely!
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