I've moved my blog to: http://www.stephen0021.wordpress.com
Please join me there for more tales from the rails. But not before you've seen my 2013-14 blogs below :-)
Sunday 2 March 2014
Thursday 16 January 2014
Commuter Fashion: Gloom to Bloom!
It’s 7:42am as I absentmindedly step off my train and peer down the platform towards the barriers, fumbling for my pass. I stop in my tracks (okay yes, pun intended). I’ve been transported back in time. It’s a horrible place! I’m in a 1960s Cold War railway station in the suburbs of Moscow; one exhibiting the worst excesses of relentlessly dour eastern bloc winter fashion.
Hundreds of bodies walk away from me in the murky half light, wearing the widest range of black, charcoal, dark grey, even darker grey, dark blue (almost black), dark brown (bordering on black) and dark dark garments I've ever seen in one stream of people. The only thing missing are the feared FSB special clothing conformation executive lining the platform to vet unorthodoxy and statues of the godfathers of iron curtain style, Lenin, Stalin and Brezhnev.
A few mavericks run low level risks of being singled out, sticking two fingers up with scarves comprising delicate stripes of slightly lighter blue, matt green, even a brown tinge daring to think itself a dull orange. Also in one case, black gloves wildly sporting lilac designer logos on the back.
The nearest I observe to a brazen all-out fart-in-the-face 'arrest me then son-bitches!' colour attack is a Nordic-like bobble hat 20 metres ahead of me, comprising a white base speckled with the brightest spectrum of rainbow colours and a red flopping, bouncing ball on the end of a thick white length of wool. What is Nordic hat wearing man thinking? No way is he conforming to the norm of bleak blandness to which the rest of us aspire. This rogue dresser is flagrantly drawing attention to himself, with a garment displaying Rio carnival-like exuberance and joy in a river of dark Leningradsky station misery.
The nearest I ever get to offering a hint of commuter colour is with my shirts but they are mostly M & S regulation issue, worn under one of my (I like to think) unique blue or grey shade suit jackets. Yes alright approaching black: Bloody boring!!
I have, though, witnessed another world. I’ve been fortunate enough to commute in Paris, Dusseldorf, Vienna and a few other european cities in winter months. Colour everywhere! Those crazy Europeans; just so wild and easy, with no shame whatsoever when it comes to both onboard and step off railway clothing!
Well maybe it’s time we broke out!
I have decided to lead a revolt on my regular trains against commuter outwear dullness. I ask you, my die-hard reader, to do the same on your regular trains. Let us bring an infusion of colour onto our platforms and station concourses. Be not fearful of colour but embrace it, nurture its growth and development on our railways, wrap ourselves in blankets of colour so that it may reflect our sunny commuter dispositions.
Underneath our reserved, controlled, garmentry blandness pulsates beating hearts of Havana-like rhythms, Latino loooove, Flamenco passion, all aching to burst out through exuberant fashion. We must step out and pose, walk our platforms in slow-mo, flicking our hair from side to side, pointing at no-one in particular knowingly with confidence and a glint in the eye, cutting a Cuban heel path to the barriers with an unapologetic swagger!
A smidge excessive? To a few fashion dinosaurs maybe. But I say, time to act! No longer must we commute into 60s Gulag Central station looking like commy party apologists. From now on it’s going to be dress-to-impress 1980s Crockett and Tubbs style ‘Miami Vice’ film set…station place and everyone is going to be a platform star!
Hundreds of bodies walk away from me in the murky half light, wearing the widest range of black, charcoal, dark grey, even darker grey, dark blue (almost black), dark brown (bordering on black) and dark dark garments I've ever seen in one stream of people. The only thing missing are the feared FSB special clothing conformation executive lining the platform to vet unorthodoxy and statues of the godfathers of iron curtain style, Lenin, Stalin and Brezhnev.
A few mavericks run low level risks of being singled out, sticking two fingers up with scarves comprising delicate stripes of slightly lighter blue, matt green, even a brown tinge daring to think itself a dull orange. Also in one case, black gloves wildly sporting lilac designer logos on the back.
The nearest I observe to a brazen all-out fart-in-the-face 'arrest me then son-bitches!' colour attack is a Nordic-like bobble hat 20 metres ahead of me, comprising a white base speckled with the brightest spectrum of rainbow colours and a red flopping, bouncing ball on the end of a thick white length of wool. What is Nordic hat wearing man thinking? No way is he conforming to the norm of bleak blandness to which the rest of us aspire. This rogue dresser is flagrantly drawing attention to himself, with a garment displaying Rio carnival-like exuberance and joy in a river of dark Leningradsky station misery.
The nearest I ever get to offering a hint of commuter colour is with my shirts but they are mostly M & S regulation issue, worn under one of my (I like to think) unique blue or grey shade suit jackets. Yes alright approaching black: Bloody boring!!
I have, though, witnessed another world. I’ve been fortunate enough to commute in Paris, Dusseldorf, Vienna and a few other european cities in winter months. Colour everywhere! Those crazy Europeans; just so wild and easy, with no shame whatsoever when it comes to both onboard and step off railway clothing!
Well maybe it’s time we broke out!
I have decided to lead a revolt on my regular trains against commuter outwear dullness. I ask you, my die-hard reader, to do the same on your regular trains. Let us bring an infusion of colour onto our platforms and station concourses. Be not fearful of colour but embrace it, nurture its growth and development on our railways, wrap ourselves in blankets of colour so that it may reflect our sunny commuter dispositions.
Underneath our reserved, controlled, garmentry blandness pulsates beating hearts of Havana-like rhythms, Latino loooove, Flamenco passion, all aching to burst out through exuberant fashion. We must step out and pose, walk our platforms in slow-mo, flicking our hair from side to side, pointing at no-one in particular knowingly with confidence and a glint in the eye, cutting a Cuban heel path to the barriers with an unapologetic swagger!
A smidge excessive? To a few fashion dinosaurs maybe. But I say, time to act! No longer must we commute into 60s Gulag Central station looking like commy party apologists. From now on it’s going to be dress-to-impress 1980s Crockett and Tubbs style ‘Miami Vice’ film set…station place and everyone is going to be a platform star!
Friday 27 December 2013
Ode to Pratman
This is a time of Christmas joy and goodwill to all men! So it is with a heavy heart that I must share with you a common commuter problem. What would your reaction be if you were listening to this?
“Well, I told my Chairman I’ll take on the department but will require a bigger budget to re-align the portfolio balance and match the division’s strategic coefficient!”
I suspect similar to mine:
Prat! And Can’t you talk bollocks any louder so that the whole train can hear?
“Yes, okay Jeremy that works for me! I’ll get my PA to schedule in a Saturday 10am tee-off, then a late lunch in the Player’s Suite. Debbie will liaise with Chloe to confirm….Yes it would be fun (naughty posh boy laugh) but the club has rules, dear boy! The club has rules! (More tittering)…. Yes, very well Jeremy, bye for now!”
Prat and Perve!
When Pratman was talking for effect, was I the only one in the carriage to have the same thoughts? My Visual Face-scan Recognition Technique suggested not! People’s looks betrayed their minds. He appeared to them, as me, like some kind of Ouroboros* - his head so far up his own backside he must surely live permanently in a dark, dank, smelly place! Had all the faces been a choir of voices, the ensemble, I'm sure, would have sung him a Prat’s lament:
Shut the f*** up
You sound like a Cretin
If you don’t stop soon
We’ll get a Vet in
To take your mobile
and insert it wherein
Perving with Jel
means pain unappealing!
This, or similar (better) ode to like effect, would undoubtedly have ensured Pratman appreciated the collective feeling and dire consequences for his nether regions if he continued with more pratty-ness!
To be fair, some people can’t avoid work-related calls on their mobiles on the train! Take a Doctor, for example, saving a life by talking a colleague through a surgical procedure. Or an Intelligence Officer sanctioning an operation that will prevent a terrorist action. Or a Psychologist talking down a desperately suicidal patient from a self-harming situation. All worthy life-or-death reasons, we might say, for bold, loud, work-related calls on a packed train.
Otherwise, apart from a quiet call-in to the office if the train’s a little late; or an incoming call from a subordinate seeking re-assurance to finish a task, quietly answered with a level of considerate modesty, is there really any need for nauseous, embarrassing on-train work calls? Even if some believe there is; is there any reason why they should be so loud that everyone else has to suffer them?
A few unfortunate souls, of course, naturally talk loudly, though volume control does exist in mindful people. I am, though, thinking more specifically about Pratman and similar planks, who appear to be under the misapprehension that talking ‘business’ loudly on a train makes them seem important. Well, for such misguided souls, sage advice is at hand!
Stop it, because you sound like a complete prat!
*An ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail.
“Well, I told my Chairman I’ll take on the department but will require a bigger budget to re-align the portfolio balance and match the division’s strategic coefficient!”
I suspect similar to mine:
Prat! And Can’t you talk bollocks any louder so that the whole train can hear?
“Yes, okay Jeremy that works for me! I’ll get my PA to schedule in a Saturday 10am tee-off, then a late lunch in the Player’s Suite. Debbie will liaise with Chloe to confirm….Yes it would be fun (naughty posh boy laugh) but the club has rules, dear boy! The club has rules! (More tittering)…. Yes, very well Jeremy, bye for now!”
Prat and Perve!
When Pratman was talking for effect, was I the only one in the carriage to have the same thoughts? My Visual Face-scan Recognition Technique suggested not! People’s looks betrayed their minds. He appeared to them, as me, like some kind of Ouroboros* - his head so far up his own backside he must surely live permanently in a dark, dank, smelly place! Had all the faces been a choir of voices, the ensemble, I'm sure, would have sung him a Prat’s lament:
Shut the f*** up
You sound like a Cretin
If you don’t stop soon
We’ll get a Vet in
To take your mobile
and insert it wherein
Perving with Jel
means pain unappealing!
This, or similar (better) ode to like effect, would undoubtedly have ensured Pratman appreciated the collective feeling and dire consequences for his nether regions if he continued with more pratty-ness!
To be fair, some people can’t avoid work-related calls on their mobiles on the train! Take a Doctor, for example, saving a life by talking a colleague through a surgical procedure. Or an Intelligence Officer sanctioning an operation that will prevent a terrorist action. Or a Psychologist talking down a desperately suicidal patient from a self-harming situation. All worthy life-or-death reasons, we might say, for bold, loud, work-related calls on a packed train.
Otherwise, apart from a quiet call-in to the office if the train’s a little late; or an incoming call from a subordinate seeking re-assurance to finish a task, quietly answered with a level of considerate modesty, is there really any need for nauseous, embarrassing on-train work calls? Even if some believe there is; is there any reason why they should be so loud that everyone else has to suffer them?
A few unfortunate souls, of course, naturally talk loudly, though volume control does exist in mindful people. I am, though, thinking more specifically about Pratman and similar planks, who appear to be under the misapprehension that talking ‘business’ loudly on a train makes them seem important. Well, for such misguided souls, sage advice is at hand!
Stop it, because you sound like a complete prat!
*An ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail.
Wednesday 4 December 2013
I am not here with you!
You have to try this!
My train slowly pulls out of Greenwich. It's been a peaceful commute so far. As I look outside, Elgar begins to play through my headphones. I really like this piece#! I turn up the volume.
'Nimrod' begins to take hold of me. I start to drift away! In most of the next 4 minutes 14 seconds - the length of the recording, I transcend much of what passes as my journey. I experience what I call an out of body experience.
Prelude
I'm cosy and content in my corner window seat. It's a cold morning but warm blood pulses around my fingers and toes. I'm nice and snug! Initially, I feel the motion of the train enhancing my drift into the music. I begin to see the regular landscape passing by me, which is like most commuter views into major cities. [A patchwork of open green and brown spaces, trees of autumn shades (today) lit by the sun then masked by early morning shade, interlaced with old style houses, fancy new apartment blocks, tired tower blocks, factories, a football stadium, church spires, over-bridges, under-passes; streets busy with cars, cyclists, pedestrians. Mid-stations flashing by to rushing echo and static outlines of faceless people.] There's a subtle breeze on the back of my neck. It conspires with the embracing sound to make my neck-hairs stand on end.
The Now
The unknowable moment comes and my Prelude no longer exists! The observable, sense-based world has gone from my life! I am oblivious to my surroundings on a crowded speeding train; I see nothing of the glass-framed scenery unfolding before me; I feel none of the physical sensations I enjoyed seconds earlier. I exist, I think, but not in any space I am aware of, or in a time I can knowingly measure. It's like the instant you fall asleep: You don't know precisely when that is, you just eventually come around to the fact that you dropped off.
In this non-physical, musically inspired mental state (if there is scientifically such a thing), I am not here with you, with everyone else. In the minutes of this music I am either totally imprisoned or else completely set free - I don't know which! I don't care! And as 'Nimrod' reaches its crescendo and then moves serenely towards a peaceful end, I am simultaneously overcome by euphoria and melancholy. (I know: How can I feel such things if I'm not here! Well, this isn't Philosophy 101; you'll just have to go with it!)
I know what I didn't sense or feel in these lost - or were they truly lived? minutes: Town-planner-organised rush-hour chaos, sad-looking pedestrians, ill-tempered road users, frustrated standing-room-only train passengers, noise irritation, train signal stop-starts.... I jumped over these minutes, like a time-traveller, to instantly arrive at a waking point coinciding with a moment shortly after the end of the music.
As you have just read, out of body experiences are tricky things to describe! So please don't feel obliged to read this again (though secretly I'd quite like you to)! Instead, I passionately urge you to download Elgar's 'Nimrod', get comfy on your commute, turn the volume up and try it for yourself!
See you on the other side!
# 'Variation on an Original Theme Op.36 "Enigma" - 9. Nimrod (Adagio)' - Sir Edward Elgar
My train slowly pulls out of Greenwich. It's been a peaceful commute so far. As I look outside, Elgar begins to play through my headphones. I really like this piece#! I turn up the volume.
'Nimrod' begins to take hold of me. I start to drift away! In most of the next 4 minutes 14 seconds - the length of the recording, I transcend much of what passes as my journey. I experience what I call an out of body experience.
Prelude
I'm cosy and content in my corner window seat. It's a cold morning but warm blood pulses around my fingers and toes. I'm nice and snug! Initially, I feel the motion of the train enhancing my drift into the music. I begin to see the regular landscape passing by me, which is like most commuter views into major cities. [A patchwork of open green and brown spaces, trees of autumn shades (today) lit by the sun then masked by early morning shade, interlaced with old style houses, fancy new apartment blocks, tired tower blocks, factories, a football stadium, church spires, over-bridges, under-passes; streets busy with cars, cyclists, pedestrians. Mid-stations flashing by to rushing echo and static outlines of faceless people.] There's a subtle breeze on the back of my neck. It conspires with the embracing sound to make my neck-hairs stand on end.
The Now
The unknowable moment comes and my Prelude no longer exists! The observable, sense-based world has gone from my life! I am oblivious to my surroundings on a crowded speeding train; I see nothing of the glass-framed scenery unfolding before me; I feel none of the physical sensations I enjoyed seconds earlier. I exist, I think, but not in any space I am aware of, or in a time I can knowingly measure. It's like the instant you fall asleep: You don't know precisely when that is, you just eventually come around to the fact that you dropped off.
In this non-physical, musically inspired mental state (if there is scientifically such a thing), I am not here with you, with everyone else. In the minutes of this music I am either totally imprisoned or else completely set free - I don't know which! I don't care! And as 'Nimrod' reaches its crescendo and then moves serenely towards a peaceful end, I am simultaneously overcome by euphoria and melancholy. (I know: How can I feel such things if I'm not here! Well, this isn't Philosophy 101; you'll just have to go with it!)
I know what I didn't sense or feel in these lost - or were they truly lived? minutes: Town-planner-organised rush-hour chaos, sad-looking pedestrians, ill-tempered road users, frustrated standing-room-only train passengers, noise irritation, train signal stop-starts.... I jumped over these minutes, like a time-traveller, to instantly arrive at a waking point coinciding with a moment shortly after the end of the music.
As you have just read, out of body experiences are tricky things to describe! So please don't feel obliged to read this again (though secretly I'd quite like you to)! Instead, I passionately urge you to download Elgar's 'Nimrod', get comfy on your commute, turn the volume up and try it for yourself!
See you on the other side!
# 'Variation on an Original Theme Op.36 "Enigma" - 9. Nimrod (Adagio)' - Sir Edward Elgar
Sunday 13 October 2013
Off the Rails - a short Play
What’s it about?
Tolerance; respect for others; appearances can deceive; the real person in a crisis.
Situation:
Petty bickering among 4 standing passengers on a busy commuter train.
We all see trivial disputes on commuter trains. Small niggles can become big arguments! But what if a truly big incident occurs?
As the pathetic dispute pales into insignificance, will the real characters step forward in this crisis?
Background
The characters are based on people I’ve observed on my daily commute. The trivial discussions, the dispute over noise and the rude comments are also what I’ve over-heard on the train, though not all at the same time.
The Characters (not their real names)
Janine
Early-30s, smart appearance, flat shoes, Office Administrator. Tall, pale skin, mousy colour shoulder length hair, pretty face, figure visible but rounding a little.
My impression of her: Although conscientious when it comes to her job, she lacks confidence. Too nice! Possibly a walk-over at work; certainly with the men in her life. A woman who fears it’s getting late to marry and start a family.
Kevin
Late-20s, Builder, white but tanned, short horse-shoe-ing hair, unshaven, slightly below average male height, straight-backed, head up, chest out, stance wide. Not a bad looking face but carries an unfriendly look. Sun newspaper reader. Knee-length combat shorts and site boots. Polo shirt with paint stains. Paint-stains also on his arms from the previous day. On-ear headphones and a canvass bag for his tools.
My impression of him: He wants to portray confidence; that he is not to be messed with. Stands and looks the way he does to off-set his lack of height.
Marion
Mid-40s, white with fake tan, smoker, average female height, a bit overweight, bleached blonde hair, style too young for her, a little unkempt. Ill-fitting dress and heeled ankle boots. Surly looking face. Office job of some kind. Sounded like a Merseyside accent.
My impression of her: Doesn’t like herself much. Her smoking (on the platform) appeared to be stress relieving - deep drags. Uses a harsh exterior as a defence mechanism so as not to appear vulnerable and fragile. Any politeness sounds and feels fake.
Tristan (Tris)
Early-30s, of Caribbean-decent, smart, tight-cut blue business suit, red and white striped shirt, cufflinks showing, red tie. Effeminate sounding, sharp tongue. Works in Public Relations. Friend (and confidant) of Janine.
My impression of him: Smart-mouthed but not necessarily intelligent. Air of a snob among the common man. Likes the sound of his own voice. He is friends with Janine but she is really there for him to spout off to and she listens and takes it! In the end, it’s all about him.
© Stephen Reed 2013
SCENE 1
INSIDE AN EARLY MORNING
COMMUTER TRAIN, DAWN BREAKING.
THE TRAIN IS BUSY,ALL SEATS ARE
TAKEN, SO PASSENGERS HAVE TO
STAND HOLDING OVERHEAD HANDLES
AND SIDE BARS. OUTSIDE,
OCCASIONAL SPARKS LIGHT UP FROM
THE ELECTRIC LINE. THE
BACKGROUND NOISE IS THAT OF A
TYPICAL COMMUTER TRAIN.
AS THE CURTAINS OPEN/CARRIAGE LIGHTS COME ON,
JANINE, TRIS, MARION AND KEVIN ARE STANDING BETWEEN
THE TRAIN'S DOORS HOLDING ON TO PASSENGER
HANDLES/SIDE BARS. THEY MOVE AND SWAY WITH THE
TRAIN'S MOTION. KEVIN HAS OVER-EAR HEADPHONES ON. A
TINNY SOUND EMMINATES FROM THEM.
TRIS
(To Janine)
Look, honey, forget him! He's a bell-end!
JANINE
I still have some of his things. I'll box them up for
him and call-
TRIS
No! He can do it himself!
THEY ALL SWAY WITH A BIG JOLT OF THE TRAIN.
MARION
Woh!
MARION LOOKS ANXIOUSLY OUTSIDE.
JANINE
He hasn't been well Tris!
TRIS
Not well? Girlfriend, he's so bone idle! And says he has
athlete's foot but how? Unless it's from all that
walking down to The Plough!
JANINE
I know you've never liked him Tris but he's not that
bad. And I honestly think he wants me back in his life!
TRIS
Girl; he left you for that slut Simone! If he wants you
back in his life it's because he wants double helpings!
He used you before; he'll use you again!
KEVIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND TURNS UP HIS MUSIC. TINNY
SOUND IS NOW LOUD.
TRIS
(To Kevin)
Excuse me! Er, excuse me!
KEVIN BEGRUDGINGLY REMOVES ONE HEADPHONE.
KEVIN
Yeah?
TRIS
Would you turn that music down please?
KEVIN
No!
KEVIN REPLACES HIS EARPHONE.
TRIS
How rude! Er, excuse me!
JANINE
It's okay Tris, leave it. It's not that bad!
TRIS
Excuse me!
KEVIN REMOVES AN EARPHONE AGAIN.
KEVIN
What!
TRIS
I asked you to turn that music down; we can't hear
ourselves talk!
KEVIN
No, but I can!
KEVIN PUTS HIS EARPHONE BACK ON. THEY THEN ALL SWAY
AGAIN WITH THE TRAIN, THIS TIME A LITTLE MORE
VIOLENTLY THAN BEFORE.
JANINE
Woh, that was a bit rough!
MARION TAPS KEVIN ON THE ARM. KEVIN REMOVES AN
EARPHONE AGAIN.
MARION
It's too loud! Turn it down, or I'll-
KEVIN
Sod off Faggy!
KEVIN PUTS HIS EARPHONE BACK ON.
JANINE
Oh dear! Er!
MARION
What? What did you call me? 'Ey, I'm talking to you!
EARPHONE BACK OFF.
KEVIN
You 'eard! Yer breath smells like an old ash tray! Now
leave me alone, the pair o' yer!
MARION
First you little shit learn some manners before I knock
them into you! And second have some consideration for
others. That's too loud! Now if you don't-
KEVIN
Don't what? Tell Prissy 'ere and
(To Janine)
What's yer name darlin'?
JANINE
Er, Janine. Hel-
KEVIN
Jan 'ere not to talk so loud; then I don't 'ave to turn
my music up to shut them out!
(To Janine)
Nothin' against you darlin' but don't really wanna 'ear
about yer man trouble. I'm Kev by the way!
KEVIN GRINS AND HOLDS OUT A HAND TO JANINE. JANINE
SHAKES IT.
JANINE
(To herself)
Oh, very nice.
TRIS
Huh! You really are so rude! And my name is Tris!
Tristan! And don't talk to my friend like that.
(To Janine)
Don't you mind this lout baby doll!
KEVIN GOES TO PUT HIS EARPHONE BACK ON BUT MARION
GRABS HIS ARM. INSTEAD SHE SLIPS AND FALLS TO HER
KNEES AS THE TRAIN JOLTS VIOLENTLY AGAIN. HER HEAD
IS NOW LEVEL AND VERY CLOSE TO KEVIN'S GROIN.
KEVIN
No thanks Faggy, don't want nicotine poisonin' down
there!
KEVIN PUT HIS EARPHONE BACK ON. JANINE HELPS MARION
UP WHO REGAINS HER HANDLE-HOLD.
MARION
(To Janine)
Thank you lovely!
JANINE
You o-
MARION
(To Kevin)
You think you're such a big man don't you, you
snivelling little prat! 'Ey, I'm talking to you!
MARION PUSHES KEVIN'S ARM. KEVIN REMOVES HIS
EARPHONE AGAIN.
I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole!
KEVIN
I'd sooner have the fuckin' barge poll! Now, sod off!
It's nothin'to do with you anyway! It's Pretty-boy 'ere
that started blubbin'!
KEVIN REPLACES HIS EARPHONE.
TRIS
What did you-? Is that all you got builder boy? Name
calling? Acting like a prick because that’s where your
tiny brain is? Bet your Mother's sooooo proud!
JANINE
Er Tris-
TRIS
Why don't you show some respect to others, then maybe
they'll show some to you!
JANINE
(To Tris)
He can't hear you.
TRIS
What sweet pea?
JANINE
Kev can't-
TRIS
Oh, Kev is it?
JANINE
His headphones are still on.
TRIS
Hey, I'm talking to you!
MARION
Leave this prick to me! 'Ey, arsehole!
MARION POKES KEVIN IN THE CHEST.
Arsehole! I'm talking to you!
JANINE
His name's Kevin.
MARION
Er, yes, thank you ... Janine, I've got it petal!
KEVIN REMOVES AN EARPHONE AGAIN TURNING TOWARDS
JANINE.
KEVIN
(To Janine)
You okay Jan? Thought I saw you talkin' to me.
JANINE
Oh, no, well, this lady was-
KEVIN
So what do you do then Jan?
JANINE
Er, it's Janine...but Jan's fine! I'm an Office
Administrator. What about you? What-
MARION
Never mind that! Sorry, lovely, but I want to have a
word with you!
TRIS
And so do I!
KEVIN
Oi! Don't call me 'Lovely'!
KEVIN LAUGHS.
TRIS
No, she meant-
KEVIN
Right you two, shut it! I've 'ad enough! I've told yer:
Keep yer noise down an' I'll turn this down! Why should
me an' everyone else 'ave to listen to you?
JANINE
That's fair!
(To Tris)
That is fair Tris!
TRIS
(To Janine)
That's f...?
(To Kevin)
First, we are entitled to talk freely and second, you
need to apologise to me and ...
MARION
Marion
TRIS
Marion here, for being so pig-ignorant and rude!
KEVIN
Talk all you like Pissy-
TRIS
Trissy...Tris!
KEVIN
As long as I don't 'ave to listen to it!
(To Marion)
And you! No more breavin' on me!
ALL 4 THEN SUDDENLY SWING ABOUT VIOLENTLY AS THE
TRAIN APPEARS TO RUN TOO FAST OVER POINTS. MARION
LETS OUT A MUTED SCREAM. SHE GRABS TRIS. JANINE
GRABS KEVIN AND HOLDS HIM CLOSE AND LINGERS A
LITTLE TOO LONG, IT APPEARS NOT ALTOGETHER BECAUSE
OF THE JOLT. THIS IS CLEARLY NOTICED BY TRIS.
Bloody 'ell, what's this driver about?
MARION LOOKS OUTSIDE.
MARION
We're going too fast!
TRISTAN STARTS PANICKING.
TRIS
Oh my god! Stop him, stop the train! Pull the lever!
Pull it!
JANINE
No I don't think we are. Well, maybe a little. Oh dear!
ALL 4 SUDDENLY SWING ABOUT AGAIN VIOLENTLY.
KEVIN
Fuckin' 'ell I think we're gonna crash!
JANINE
No, no, I'm sure ...we can't, we'll be ok! Oh dear!
TRIS
Oh god, oh god please don't let me die, please don't let
me die! Pull the lever! Someone stop the
train!
ALL 4 CLOSE TOGETHER.
ALL
Aaaaaaaaaaargh!
LIGHTS BLACK OUT TO THE SOUND OF A CRASH.
SCENE 2
INSIDE THE TRAIN, DEBRIS LAYING
AROUND, DUST IN THE AIR. THE
TRAIN ITSELF IS SILENT.
AS THE LIGHTS COME ON, OUR 4 PASSENGERS ARE LAYING
AMONG BAGS, DEBRIS AND ACROSS EACH OTHER - MARION'S
FACE IS IN KEVIN'S LAP. THEY ARE ALL STIRRING FROM
THE SHOCK. JANINE IS FIRST TO BEGIN SITTING UP.
JANINE
Tris, Tris, are you okay? Oh my arm! Aargh!
TRIS
Aaaaaaargh! Help me! Help me!
JANINE
Tris, are you hurt? Can you hear me Tris?
TRIS STARTS TO SIT UP. KEVIN COMES ROUND AND SEES
MARION, FACE IN HIS LAP. MARION ALSO STIRS.
KEVIN
(To Marion)
Can't stay away from my cock then!
MARION
Errrgh! What, what?
KEVIN SITS UP. PUTS A GENTLE HAND ON MARION.
KEVIN
(To Marion)
You alright? 'Ere, come on, sit up.
KEVIN HELPS MARION.
TRIS
Ha! I'm alright! I'm alright! Ha!
(Starts shouting)
Help! Help! I'm in here. Anybody! Help!
KEVIN
Oi! Stop fuckin' shoutin'!
(To Janine)
Jan, you okay? Jan?
(To Tris)
Prissy, check Jan! I think she's hurt!
TRIS
(Shouting)
Help! I'm in here! Anyone.
JANINE
I'm okay I think. My arm really hurts though!
KEVIN
Okay Jan don't move, I'm coming over!
(To Tris)
And you, stop fuckin' shoutin' or I'll give you a slap!
MARION
(To Kevin)
Thank you! I'll deal with him. You see to her.
KEVIN MOVES OVER AND INSPECTS JANINE'S ARM. JANINE
LIKES THE ATTENTION BUT THE PAIN BRINGS HER BACK TO
REALITY.
(To Tris)
Right, young man, calm yourself down! Are you hurt in
any way?
TRIS CHECKS HIMSELF ALL OVER. THEN CHECKS HIS
CLOTHES.
TRIS
No, I'm okay. No damage! Haha, I'm fine!
MARION
In that case help me up. Hey, can you smell that?
TRIS GETS UP BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN, THEN GOES OVER
TO HELP MARION.
TRIS
Smell what?
KEVIN
Hey, that smells like burning! Hang on Jan.
KEVIN MOVES AND LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CARRIAGE.
Fuck! There's smoke from the next carriage. We need to
get out of 'ere!
KEVIN GOES BACK TO HELP JANINE UP.
TRIS
Oh no no no!
(Panicking and shouting again)
There's a fire, there's a fire! Help! Help! In here! Get
me out!
MARION
Hey, bloody calm yourself man! You're not the only one
in here you know!
KEVIN
(To Janine)
'Ere, stand with Fag...Marion.
(To Tris)
Prissy-
TRIS
(Still shouting)
It's Tris!
KEVIN
'Elp me with this door.
KEVIN TRIES THE EMERGENCY DOOR LEVER BUT IT DOESN'T
WORK. HE TRIES THE OTHER DOOR WHICH ALSO DOESN'T
WORK.
'Ang on!
TRIS
Hurry, hurry! I have to get out!
JANINE
(To Tris)
For fuck sake Tris, shut the fuck up!
(Calmer)
Sorry, sorry everyone!
MARION
Now, now, petal, we'll be okay!
KEVIN FINDS HIS TOOL BAG AND GETS OUT A THICK METAL
CHISEL.
KEVIN
(To Tris)
Right, I'm gonna stick this in the gap an' wedge the
door open. You get ready to grab the door and start
pullin'!
TRIS
But my fingers, they'll be crushed!
KEVIN
I'll fuckin' crush you if you don't 'elp! Now stop
blubbin' and get ready to grab the door an' start
pullin'!
KEVIN USES HIS CHISEL AND LEVERS THE DOOR. HE THEN
PUTS A HAND IN THE GAP AND TRIS PUTS BOTH HIS HANDS
IN. THEY BOTH PULL TO OPEN A DOOR EACH.
There, we're getting it!
KEVIN PUSHES HIS DOOR OPEN, THEN HELPS TRISTAN. THE
DOORS ARE NOW OPEN.
Okay, Jan, Marion, come over! Right, Priss-
TRIS
Please, it's Tris!
KEVIN
Whatever! Okay, you jump down!
TRIS
What?
KEVIN
You 'eard, jump!
TRIS
I'm not jumping. You jump!
KEVIN
Alright! But if these doors close, you're stuck! Okay,
when I'm down, Jan you sit on the edge an' I'll catch
yer! Then you Mar-
TRIS
Wait, wait! You mean I gotta go last?
KEVIN
Yeah! 'Elp these out, then you-
TRIS
No, forget it!
MARION
(To Tris)
Look, are you going first or last?
JANINE
There's no time for this Tris!
KEVIN
I'm goin'!
TRIS
No wait, I'll go!
KEVIN
Well fuckin' 'urry up! Sit 'ere, then jump!
TRISTAN NERVOUSLY SITS DOWN THEN EASES HIMSELF OFF
THE EDGE AND JUMPS.
TRIS
Haha, I'm out! Haha, thank god!
KEVIN
(To Tris)
Right, stand there an' wait for Jan!
(To Janine)
Okay Jan...Janine, don't worry, we'll get you out an'
off to 'ospital with that arm! Take it easy!
MARION
Yes pretty thing, but not too long a!
EXCHANGE OF NERVOUS LAUGHS. KEVIN HELPS JANINE
DOWN. TRIS IS READY TO HELP.
TRIS
Oh, thank god Janine, we're safe!
JANINE
We're not all out yet Tris. And there could be others in
the train need our help!
TRIS
The services can deal with them baby doll! Main thing is
we're safe!
KEVIN
Alright Marion, your turn!
MARION
Okay! Truth is; a bit scary! Don't like heights!
KEVIN
Yor be fine! Ain't that 'igh. don't worry, I'll 'elp!
MARION
Sorry, you know, about earlier!
KEVIN
Well, yeah...me un all!
MARION
And thanks! You could've just left us!
KEVIN
Wouldn' do that! Well
(nodding towards Tris)
maybe 'im! Now come on, let's go!
KEVIN HELPS LOWER MARION DOWN. THEN, AS KEVIN GOES
TO PICK UP HIS TOOL BAG, THE DOORS CLOSE, THE
LIGHTS IN THE CARRIAGE GO OUT AND A PLUME OF SMOKE
FILLS THE INSIDE SPACE.
JANINE
(Screaming)
Kevin? Kevin? Get out of there! Kevin! Kevin!
STAGE LIGHTS BLACK OUT.
SCENE 3
OUTDOORS, ON THE TRACKS,
ALONGSIDE THE CARRIAGE THE
PASSENGERS HAVE JUST CLIMBED
DOWN FROM.
JANNINE IS HOLDING HER DAMAGED ARM PACING UP AND
DOWN LOOKING AT THE CARRIAGE.
JANINE
Kevin! Where are you? Get out! Please! Kevin!
TRIS
Come on, let's get away before this thing blows up!
JANINE
Tris shut up! Look for Kevin!
(Shouting)
Kevin!
TRIS
Come on honey, we need to get away. It's dangerous. I-
MARION
Tris! Shut, the fuck up!
MARION PUNCHES TRIS IN THE MOUTH. TRIS FALLS TO HIS
BACKSIDE HOLDING HIS MOUTH.
(To Janine)
Sorry babe! Why's he your friend exactly?
TRIS GETS UP STILL CLUTCHING HIS MOUTH.
TRIS
You nasty old witch! Come on Janine, let's go!
JANINE
No Tris, I'm staying here! I've got to find Kevin! He
saved us, can't you see?
MARION
(To Tris)
Sod off if you want! Not much of a friend are you!
Selfish; that's what you are!
JANINE
(Shouting)
Kevin! Kevin!
TRIS
Well if that's how it is!
JANINE
Kevin!
KEVIN ENTERS FROM BEHIND JANINE, MARION AND TRIS.
KEVIN
Stop yer shoutin'! I'm right 'ere!
JANINE
Oh Kevin.
JANINE HURRIES TOWARDS HIM, GOOD ARM OUT TO HOLD
HIM.
TRIS
Oh dear god!
MARION
It's love!
TRIS
What, Janine?
MARION
No him! Look at his face!
TRIS
It's horrible! Well, I’m not staying to watch this freak
show! How am I going to get home?
MARION
Wait for the Police! It's dangerous! Others might-
TRIS WALKS AWAY DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CARRIAGE OFF
STAGE. KEVIN SUDDENLY LET'S GO OF JANINE AND
REACHES IN THE DIRECTION OF TRIS.
KEVIN
(shouting)
Oi, stop, watch out! Tris watch out! Get down!
A CRASH OF DEBRIS IS HEARD. JANINE AND MARION TURN
TO SEE WHAT KEVIN IS SHOUTING AT. KEVIN TURNS
TOWARDS JANINE. JANINE AND MARION BOTH SCREAM OUT.
BLACKOUT.
© STEPHEN REED 2013
Tolerance; respect for others; appearances can deceive; the real person in a crisis.
Situation:
Petty bickering among 4 standing passengers on a busy commuter train.
We all see trivial disputes on commuter trains. Small niggles can become big arguments! But what if a truly big incident occurs?
As the pathetic dispute pales into insignificance, will the real characters step forward in this crisis?
Background
The characters are based on people I’ve observed on my daily commute. The trivial discussions, the dispute over noise and the rude comments are also what I’ve over-heard on the train, though not all at the same time.
The Characters (not their real names)
Janine
Early-30s, smart appearance, flat shoes, Office Administrator. Tall, pale skin, mousy colour shoulder length hair, pretty face, figure visible but rounding a little.
My impression of her: Although conscientious when it comes to her job, she lacks confidence. Too nice! Possibly a walk-over at work; certainly with the men in her life. A woman who fears it’s getting late to marry and start a family.
Kevin
Late-20s, Builder, white but tanned, short horse-shoe-ing hair, unshaven, slightly below average male height, straight-backed, head up, chest out, stance wide. Not a bad looking face but carries an unfriendly look. Sun newspaper reader. Knee-length combat shorts and site boots. Polo shirt with paint stains. Paint-stains also on his arms from the previous day. On-ear headphones and a canvass bag for his tools.
My impression of him: He wants to portray confidence; that he is not to be messed with. Stands and looks the way he does to off-set his lack of height.
Marion
Mid-40s, white with fake tan, smoker, average female height, a bit overweight, bleached blonde hair, style too young for her, a little unkempt. Ill-fitting dress and heeled ankle boots. Surly looking face. Office job of some kind. Sounded like a Merseyside accent.
My impression of her: Doesn’t like herself much. Her smoking (on the platform) appeared to be stress relieving - deep drags. Uses a harsh exterior as a defence mechanism so as not to appear vulnerable and fragile. Any politeness sounds and feels fake.
Tristan (Tris)
Early-30s, of Caribbean-decent, smart, tight-cut blue business suit, red and white striped shirt, cufflinks showing, red tie. Effeminate sounding, sharp tongue. Works in Public Relations. Friend (and confidant) of Janine.
My impression of him: Smart-mouthed but not necessarily intelligent. Air of a snob among the common man. Likes the sound of his own voice. He is friends with Janine but she is really there for him to spout off to and she listens and takes it! In the end, it’s all about him.
© Stephen Reed 2013
SCENE 1
INSIDE AN EARLY MORNING
COMMUTER TRAIN, DAWN BREAKING.
THE TRAIN IS BUSY,ALL SEATS ARE
TAKEN, SO PASSENGERS HAVE TO
STAND HOLDING OVERHEAD HANDLES
AND SIDE BARS. OUTSIDE,
OCCASIONAL SPARKS LIGHT UP FROM
THE ELECTRIC LINE. THE
BACKGROUND NOISE IS THAT OF A
TYPICAL COMMUTER TRAIN.
AS THE CURTAINS OPEN/CARRIAGE LIGHTS COME ON,
JANINE, TRIS, MARION AND KEVIN ARE STANDING BETWEEN
THE TRAIN'S DOORS HOLDING ON TO PASSENGER
HANDLES/SIDE BARS. THEY MOVE AND SWAY WITH THE
TRAIN'S MOTION. KEVIN HAS OVER-EAR HEADPHONES ON. A
TINNY SOUND EMMINATES FROM THEM.
TRIS
(To Janine)
Look, honey, forget him! He's a bell-end!
JANINE
I still have some of his things. I'll box them up for
him and call-
TRIS
No! He can do it himself!
THEY ALL SWAY WITH A BIG JOLT OF THE TRAIN.
MARION
Woh!
MARION LOOKS ANXIOUSLY OUTSIDE.
JANINE
He hasn't been well Tris!
TRIS
Not well? Girlfriend, he's so bone idle! And says he has
athlete's foot but how? Unless it's from all that
walking down to The Plough!
JANINE
I know you've never liked him Tris but he's not that
bad. And I honestly think he wants me back in his life!
TRIS
Girl; he left you for that slut Simone! If he wants you
back in his life it's because he wants double helpings!
He used you before; he'll use you again!
KEVIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND TURNS UP HIS MUSIC. TINNY
SOUND IS NOW LOUD.
TRIS
(To Kevin)
Excuse me! Er, excuse me!
KEVIN BEGRUDGINGLY REMOVES ONE HEADPHONE.
KEVIN
Yeah?
TRIS
Would you turn that music down please?
KEVIN
No!
KEVIN REPLACES HIS EARPHONE.
TRIS
How rude! Er, excuse me!
JANINE
It's okay Tris, leave it. It's not that bad!
TRIS
Excuse me!
KEVIN REMOVES AN EARPHONE AGAIN.
KEVIN
What!
TRIS
I asked you to turn that music down; we can't hear
ourselves talk!
KEVIN
No, but I can!
KEVIN PUTS HIS EARPHONE BACK ON. THEY THEN ALL SWAY
AGAIN WITH THE TRAIN, THIS TIME A LITTLE MORE
VIOLENTLY THAN BEFORE.
JANINE
Woh, that was a bit rough!
MARION TAPS KEVIN ON THE ARM. KEVIN REMOVES AN
EARPHONE AGAIN.
MARION
It's too loud! Turn it down, or I'll-
KEVIN
Sod off Faggy!
KEVIN PUTS HIS EARPHONE BACK ON.
JANINE
Oh dear! Er!
MARION
What? What did you call me? 'Ey, I'm talking to you!
EARPHONE BACK OFF.
KEVIN
You 'eard! Yer breath smells like an old ash tray! Now
leave me alone, the pair o' yer!
MARION
First you little shit learn some manners before I knock
them into you! And second have some consideration for
others. That's too loud! Now if you don't-
KEVIN
Don't what? Tell Prissy 'ere and
(To Janine)
What's yer name darlin'?
JANINE
Er, Janine. Hel-
KEVIN
Jan 'ere not to talk so loud; then I don't 'ave to turn
my music up to shut them out!
(To Janine)
Nothin' against you darlin' but don't really wanna 'ear
about yer man trouble. I'm Kev by the way!
KEVIN GRINS AND HOLDS OUT A HAND TO JANINE. JANINE
SHAKES IT.
JANINE
(To herself)
Oh, very nice.
TRIS
Huh! You really are so rude! And my name is Tris!
Tristan! And don't talk to my friend like that.
(To Janine)
Don't you mind this lout baby doll!
KEVIN GOES TO PUT HIS EARPHONE BACK ON BUT MARION
GRABS HIS ARM. INSTEAD SHE SLIPS AND FALLS TO HER
KNEES AS THE TRAIN JOLTS VIOLENTLY AGAIN. HER HEAD
IS NOW LEVEL AND VERY CLOSE TO KEVIN'S GROIN.
KEVIN
No thanks Faggy, don't want nicotine poisonin' down
there!
KEVIN PUT HIS EARPHONE BACK ON. JANINE HELPS MARION
UP WHO REGAINS HER HANDLE-HOLD.
MARION
(To Janine)
Thank you lovely!
JANINE
You o-
MARION
(To Kevin)
You think you're such a big man don't you, you
snivelling little prat! 'Ey, I'm talking to you!
MARION PUSHES KEVIN'S ARM. KEVIN REMOVES HIS
EARPHONE AGAIN.
I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole!
KEVIN
I'd sooner have the fuckin' barge poll! Now, sod off!
It's nothin'to do with you anyway! It's Pretty-boy 'ere
that started blubbin'!
KEVIN REPLACES HIS EARPHONE.
TRIS
What did you-? Is that all you got builder boy? Name
calling? Acting like a prick because that’s where your
tiny brain is? Bet your Mother's sooooo proud!
JANINE
Er Tris-
TRIS
Why don't you show some respect to others, then maybe
they'll show some to you!
JANINE
(To Tris)
He can't hear you.
TRIS
What sweet pea?
JANINE
Kev can't-
TRIS
Oh, Kev is it?
JANINE
His headphones are still on.
TRIS
Hey, I'm talking to you!
MARION
Leave this prick to me! 'Ey, arsehole!
MARION POKES KEVIN IN THE CHEST.
Arsehole! I'm talking to you!
JANINE
His name's Kevin.
MARION
Er, yes, thank you ... Janine, I've got it petal!
KEVIN REMOVES AN EARPHONE AGAIN TURNING TOWARDS
JANINE.
KEVIN
(To Janine)
You okay Jan? Thought I saw you talkin' to me.
JANINE
Oh, no, well, this lady was-
KEVIN
So what do you do then Jan?
JANINE
Er, it's Janine...but Jan's fine! I'm an Office
Administrator. What about you? What-
MARION
Never mind that! Sorry, lovely, but I want to have a
word with you!
TRIS
And so do I!
KEVIN
Oi! Don't call me 'Lovely'!
KEVIN LAUGHS.
TRIS
No, she meant-
KEVIN
Right you two, shut it! I've 'ad enough! I've told yer:
Keep yer noise down an' I'll turn this down! Why should
me an' everyone else 'ave to listen to you?
JANINE
That's fair!
(To Tris)
That is fair Tris!
TRIS
(To Janine)
That's f...?
(To Kevin)
First, we are entitled to talk freely and second, you
need to apologise to me and ...
MARION
Marion
TRIS
Marion here, for being so pig-ignorant and rude!
KEVIN
Talk all you like Pissy-
TRIS
Trissy...Tris!
KEVIN
As long as I don't 'ave to listen to it!
(To Marion)
And you! No more breavin' on me!
ALL 4 THEN SUDDENLY SWING ABOUT VIOLENTLY AS THE
TRAIN APPEARS TO RUN TOO FAST OVER POINTS. MARION
LETS OUT A MUTED SCREAM. SHE GRABS TRIS. JANINE
GRABS KEVIN AND HOLDS HIM CLOSE AND LINGERS A
LITTLE TOO LONG, IT APPEARS NOT ALTOGETHER BECAUSE
OF THE JOLT. THIS IS CLEARLY NOTICED BY TRIS.
Bloody 'ell, what's this driver about?
MARION LOOKS OUTSIDE.
MARION
We're going too fast!
TRISTAN STARTS PANICKING.
TRIS
Oh my god! Stop him, stop the train! Pull the lever!
Pull it!
JANINE
No I don't think we are. Well, maybe a little. Oh dear!
ALL 4 SUDDENLY SWING ABOUT AGAIN VIOLENTLY.
KEVIN
Fuckin' 'ell I think we're gonna crash!
JANINE
No, no, I'm sure ...we can't, we'll be ok! Oh dear!
TRIS
Oh god, oh god please don't let me die, please don't let
me die! Pull the lever! Someone stop the
train!
ALL 4 CLOSE TOGETHER.
ALL
Aaaaaaaaaaargh!
LIGHTS BLACK OUT TO THE SOUND OF A CRASH.
SCENE 2
INSIDE THE TRAIN, DEBRIS LAYING
AROUND, DUST IN THE AIR. THE
TRAIN ITSELF IS SILENT.
AS THE LIGHTS COME ON, OUR 4 PASSENGERS ARE LAYING
AMONG BAGS, DEBRIS AND ACROSS EACH OTHER - MARION'S
FACE IS IN KEVIN'S LAP. THEY ARE ALL STIRRING FROM
THE SHOCK. JANINE IS FIRST TO BEGIN SITTING UP.
JANINE
Tris, Tris, are you okay? Oh my arm! Aargh!
TRIS
Aaaaaaargh! Help me! Help me!
JANINE
Tris, are you hurt? Can you hear me Tris?
TRIS STARTS TO SIT UP. KEVIN COMES ROUND AND SEES
MARION, FACE IN HIS LAP. MARION ALSO STIRS.
KEVIN
(To Marion)
Can't stay away from my cock then!
MARION
Errrgh! What, what?
KEVIN SITS UP. PUTS A GENTLE HAND ON MARION.
KEVIN
(To Marion)
You alright? 'Ere, come on, sit up.
KEVIN HELPS MARION.
TRIS
Ha! I'm alright! I'm alright! Ha!
(Starts shouting)
Help! Help! I'm in here. Anybody! Help!
KEVIN
Oi! Stop fuckin' shoutin'!
(To Janine)
Jan, you okay? Jan?
(To Tris)
Prissy, check Jan! I think she's hurt!
TRIS
(Shouting)
Help! I'm in here! Anyone.
JANINE
I'm okay I think. My arm really hurts though!
KEVIN
Okay Jan don't move, I'm coming over!
(To Tris)
And you, stop fuckin' shoutin' or I'll give you a slap!
MARION
(To Kevin)
Thank you! I'll deal with him. You see to her.
KEVIN MOVES OVER AND INSPECTS JANINE'S ARM. JANINE
LIKES THE ATTENTION BUT THE PAIN BRINGS HER BACK TO
REALITY.
(To Tris)
Right, young man, calm yourself down! Are you hurt in
any way?
TRIS CHECKS HIMSELF ALL OVER. THEN CHECKS HIS
CLOTHES.
TRIS
No, I'm okay. No damage! Haha, I'm fine!
MARION
In that case help me up. Hey, can you smell that?
TRIS GETS UP BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN, THEN GOES OVER
TO HELP MARION.
TRIS
Smell what?
KEVIN
Hey, that smells like burning! Hang on Jan.
KEVIN MOVES AND LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CARRIAGE.
Fuck! There's smoke from the next carriage. We need to
get out of 'ere!
KEVIN GOES BACK TO HELP JANINE UP.
TRIS
Oh no no no!
(Panicking and shouting again)
There's a fire, there's a fire! Help! Help! In here! Get
me out!
MARION
Hey, bloody calm yourself man! You're not the only one
in here you know!
KEVIN
(To Janine)
'Ere, stand with Fag...Marion.
(To Tris)
Prissy-
TRIS
(Still shouting)
It's Tris!
KEVIN
'Elp me with this door.
KEVIN TRIES THE EMERGENCY DOOR LEVER BUT IT DOESN'T
WORK. HE TRIES THE OTHER DOOR WHICH ALSO DOESN'T
WORK.
'Ang on!
TRIS
Hurry, hurry! I have to get out!
JANINE
(To Tris)
For fuck sake Tris, shut the fuck up!
(Calmer)
Sorry, sorry everyone!
MARION
Now, now, petal, we'll be okay!
KEVIN FINDS HIS TOOL BAG AND GETS OUT A THICK METAL
CHISEL.
KEVIN
(To Tris)
Right, I'm gonna stick this in the gap an' wedge the
door open. You get ready to grab the door and start
pullin'!
TRIS
But my fingers, they'll be crushed!
KEVIN
I'll fuckin' crush you if you don't 'elp! Now stop
blubbin' and get ready to grab the door an' start
pullin'!
KEVIN USES HIS CHISEL AND LEVERS THE DOOR. HE THEN
PUTS A HAND IN THE GAP AND TRIS PUTS BOTH HIS HANDS
IN. THEY BOTH PULL TO OPEN A DOOR EACH.
There, we're getting it!
KEVIN PUSHES HIS DOOR OPEN, THEN HELPS TRISTAN. THE
DOORS ARE NOW OPEN.
Okay, Jan, Marion, come over! Right, Priss-
TRIS
Please, it's Tris!
KEVIN
Whatever! Okay, you jump down!
TRIS
What?
KEVIN
You 'eard, jump!
TRIS
I'm not jumping. You jump!
KEVIN
Alright! But if these doors close, you're stuck! Okay,
when I'm down, Jan you sit on the edge an' I'll catch
yer! Then you Mar-
TRIS
Wait, wait! You mean I gotta go last?
KEVIN
Yeah! 'Elp these out, then you-
TRIS
No, forget it!
MARION
(To Tris)
Look, are you going first or last?
JANINE
There's no time for this Tris!
KEVIN
I'm goin'!
TRIS
No wait, I'll go!
KEVIN
Well fuckin' 'urry up! Sit 'ere, then jump!
TRISTAN NERVOUSLY SITS DOWN THEN EASES HIMSELF OFF
THE EDGE AND JUMPS.
TRIS
Haha, I'm out! Haha, thank god!
KEVIN
(To Tris)
Right, stand there an' wait for Jan!
(To Janine)
Okay Jan...Janine, don't worry, we'll get you out an'
off to 'ospital with that arm! Take it easy!
MARION
Yes pretty thing, but not too long a!
EXCHANGE OF NERVOUS LAUGHS. KEVIN HELPS JANINE
DOWN. TRIS IS READY TO HELP.
TRIS
Oh, thank god Janine, we're safe!
JANINE
We're not all out yet Tris. And there could be others in
the train need our help!
TRIS
The services can deal with them baby doll! Main thing is
we're safe!
KEVIN
Alright Marion, your turn!
MARION
Okay! Truth is; a bit scary! Don't like heights!
KEVIN
Yor be fine! Ain't that 'igh. don't worry, I'll 'elp!
MARION
Sorry, you know, about earlier!
KEVIN
Well, yeah...me un all!
MARION
And thanks! You could've just left us!
KEVIN
Wouldn' do that! Well
(nodding towards Tris)
maybe 'im! Now come on, let's go!
KEVIN HELPS LOWER MARION DOWN. THEN, AS KEVIN GOES
TO PICK UP HIS TOOL BAG, THE DOORS CLOSE, THE
LIGHTS IN THE CARRIAGE GO OUT AND A PLUME OF SMOKE
FILLS THE INSIDE SPACE.
JANINE
(Screaming)
Kevin? Kevin? Get out of there! Kevin! Kevin!
STAGE LIGHTS BLACK OUT.
SCENE 3
OUTDOORS, ON THE TRACKS,
ALONGSIDE THE CARRIAGE THE
PASSENGERS HAVE JUST CLIMBED
DOWN FROM.
JANNINE IS HOLDING HER DAMAGED ARM PACING UP AND
DOWN LOOKING AT THE CARRIAGE.
JANINE
Kevin! Where are you? Get out! Please! Kevin!
TRIS
Come on, let's get away before this thing blows up!
JANINE
Tris shut up! Look for Kevin!
(Shouting)
Kevin!
TRIS
Come on honey, we need to get away. It's dangerous. I-
MARION
Tris! Shut, the fuck up!
MARION PUNCHES TRIS IN THE MOUTH. TRIS FALLS TO HIS
BACKSIDE HOLDING HIS MOUTH.
(To Janine)
Sorry babe! Why's he your friend exactly?
TRIS GETS UP STILL CLUTCHING HIS MOUTH.
TRIS
You nasty old witch! Come on Janine, let's go!
JANINE
No Tris, I'm staying here! I've got to find Kevin! He
saved us, can't you see?
MARION
(To Tris)
Sod off if you want! Not much of a friend are you!
Selfish; that's what you are!
JANINE
(Shouting)
Kevin! Kevin!
TRIS
Well if that's how it is!
JANINE
Kevin!
KEVIN ENTERS FROM BEHIND JANINE, MARION AND TRIS.
KEVIN
Stop yer shoutin'! I'm right 'ere!
JANINE
Oh Kevin.
JANINE HURRIES TOWARDS HIM, GOOD ARM OUT TO HOLD
HIM.
TRIS
Oh dear god!
MARION
It's love!
TRIS
What, Janine?
MARION
No him! Look at his face!
TRIS
It's horrible! Well, I’m not staying to watch this freak
show! How am I going to get home?
MARION
Wait for the Police! It's dangerous! Others might-
TRIS WALKS AWAY DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CARRIAGE OFF
STAGE. KEVIN SUDDENLY LET'S GO OF JANINE AND
REACHES IN THE DIRECTION OF TRIS.
KEVIN
(shouting)
Oi, stop, watch out! Tris watch out! Get down!
A CRASH OF DEBRIS IS HEARD. JANINE AND MARION TURN
TO SEE WHAT KEVIN IS SHOUTING AT. KEVIN TURNS
TOWARDS JANINE. JANINE AND MARION BOTH SCREAM OUT.
BLACKOUT.
© STEPHEN REED 2013
Interlude - Scottish Highlands
I can't describe the view over Loch Linnhe, near Glencoe, Argyll on this warm, still, late afternoon. I absorb its sight and peaceful sound (yes okay along with a local Red Cullen beer 4.2% vol.) and want to type a few words but the right ones won't come. So I'll just direct you to my picture below. Sometimes - a lesson I'd do well to learn better - saying less is more!
Loch Linnhe, Kentallen
When I first sat down to type, I had this idea to tell you about every view around each bend of the highland roads; alongside all the great lochs. Whether it was sunny, overcast, or even better in some cases raining, every one it's own scene and character, on show only in the time it takes for the weather to change, even slightly, to make the view a different set and character. But there were two things wrong with this: 1. The outstanding scenery cannot be reduced to mere description (never mind poor theatrical analogy) and 2. Whilst the highlands may justly be called the undisputed visitor attraction in Scotland, this wouldn't cover what also makes coming here worthwhile.
The highland people, I confess, were a pleasant surprise to me. That sounds harsh, for which I humbly apologise. I wrongly assumed that they would be hardy, no-nonsense, as a counter to the landscape and weather conditions at their worst. That they would be impatient with soft outsiders. Also, with the current Scottish independence debate on-going, I anticipated small pockets at least of anti-English sentiment. But the people have, to me, been the opposite!
Cynically, you might say that in this tourist environment like any other, They would be wouldn't they! But such a mask can only last for so long. Here, the highland people, conservative (with a small 'c') and no sufferers of fools it's fair to say, are respectful, friendly and helpful, all with a smile. I found this not just in so-called tourist towns but in places like Kinlochleven and Mallaig where, of course, tourists go but other local industries also flourish - fishing and fish farming, small ship and other marine re-fitting and repairs, brewing, clothes manufacturing, hill farming, logging and forestry management.
The people here seem the sort who'd prefer I didn't write about them and stuck to writing about the land they are rightly proud of. So, okay, I won't write about them! But I also won't attempt to write about the landscape! Instead, I'll refer you to another one of my pictures.
View across Ben Nevis Range at 2000 feet
Ps
More on the railway theme, on Monday I went on the Harry Potter 'Jacobite' train line out of Fort William. It was 84 miles and 1 hour 20 minutes of one of the best train journey you will ever make! My picture of the Glenfinnan viaduct follows.
Loch Linnhe, Kentallen
When I first sat down to type, I had this idea to tell you about every view around each bend of the highland roads; alongside all the great lochs. Whether it was sunny, overcast, or even better in some cases raining, every one it's own scene and character, on show only in the time it takes for the weather to change, even slightly, to make the view a different set and character. But there were two things wrong with this: 1. The outstanding scenery cannot be reduced to mere description (never mind poor theatrical analogy) and 2. Whilst the highlands may justly be called the undisputed visitor attraction in Scotland, this wouldn't cover what also makes coming here worthwhile.
The highland people, I confess, were a pleasant surprise to me. That sounds harsh, for which I humbly apologise. I wrongly assumed that they would be hardy, no-nonsense, as a counter to the landscape and weather conditions at their worst. That they would be impatient with soft outsiders. Also, with the current Scottish independence debate on-going, I anticipated small pockets at least of anti-English sentiment. But the people have, to me, been the opposite!
Cynically, you might say that in this tourist environment like any other, They would be wouldn't they! But such a mask can only last for so long. Here, the highland people, conservative (with a small 'c') and no sufferers of fools it's fair to say, are respectful, friendly and helpful, all with a smile. I found this not just in so-called tourist towns but in places like Kinlochleven and Mallaig where, of course, tourists go but other local industries also flourish - fishing and fish farming, small ship and other marine re-fitting and repairs, brewing, clothes manufacturing, hill farming, logging and forestry management.
The people here seem the sort who'd prefer I didn't write about them and stuck to writing about the land they are rightly proud of. So, okay, I won't write about them! But I also won't attempt to write about the landscape! Instead, I'll refer you to another one of my pictures.
View across Ben Nevis Range at 2000 feet
Ps
More on the railway theme, on Monday I went on the Harry Potter 'Jacobite' train line out of Fort William. It was 84 miles and 1 hour 20 minutes of one of the best train journey you will ever make! My picture of the Glenfinnan viaduct follows.
Saturday 14 September 2013
It's Good to Talk(?)
“Hello.”
“Hello.” She must see I have headphones on!
“Chilly this morning!”
Headphones? On ears?
“Yes”
Silence for a moment, from her, not ‘Today’ which I’m trying to listen to.
I’m seated now in a 2-person only row and delve into my back-pack for my Kindle.
“Kindle a?”
“Yes”
“How do you find it? I like the feel of a book in my hands myself,” weird caressing hand movements in sync “but am thinking of trying one!”
“Yes, well, I like it.” I feel I should elaborate now; don’t want to appear rude. What I really want to do is close my eyes and listen to the news, then when I lose 3G (and thereby Radio 4), read my book (Kindle) while listening to some easy music.
“Light-weight, different fonts, readable in all light, the size never changes whatever book you’re reading.” I stop there with a polite smile; had enough chat now. I turn my head straight and close my eyes, Kindle on lap.
Aaah, that’s better, just me, Jim and Justin mulling world matters, questioning-
“Look at the size of this!” I open my eyes and look ahead. I then begrudgingly begin to turn my head left towards (now) Annoying Talking Woman (ATW) but my head-turning is too pedestrian for her. She thrusts a large hardback book in front of me.
“Well, that’s big” I offer as a trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo response. I then, oddly, wonder where she produced this book from. All I can see on her lap is a handbag.
“Yes.” A long awkward silence follows. Then, “It is!”
Oookay! I must close my eyes. Turn away and shut them, now.
Right, okay, who are you talking to Justin? Ah yes, it’s Jim in Washington on Syria-
“Do you think I can get non-fiction books on Kindle?”
Oh come on, headphones on a! Listening to something! Eyes open, head turn left, trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo smile (but I’m not bloody taking my headphones off!)
“Yes you can!” Polite addition…added “Though I tend to just stick to fiction.” Smile, head returned to straight, eyes closed-
“I think I might try one then!”
Eyes open, head turn left, smile.
“Sounds good.” Shit! 3G has dropped out. It’ll be intermittent from now on, then totally gone. Time for some music. I change from radio app. to offline Spotify and some classical. Turn it up so that ATW might hear it as well. A not-so-subtle message that this boy’s not for talking, even if (I am loathe to admit) she is quite pretty with a can’t-place-it-but-cute accent – soft Celt in there I think. I immerse my ears in Bach and engage eyes on my Kindle.
A female hand with pointing forefinger then strays across my visual path and screen.
Oh dear God, what now!
Head up, volume-control/microphone combo button (v-c/mcb) on headphones to Stop, face turn left, smile.
“Nice music. What is it?” So what was the hand pointy thing across my line of sight all about? I’m not taking these headphones off! No, I’m really bloody not!
“’Air’, by Bach.” Silence. Do I turn away now, back to the music and book? Go on, turn away!
“Nice! The music!”
“Yes.” I smile, turn away, hand to v-c/mcb.
“And what you reading?”
She’s having a bloody laugh! I fold! Headphones off.
I hate being polite! I wish I could be one of those people who might say
“Piss off!” Or “Can’t you see I’m bloody listening to something – slash – reading something?” Or what about “There’s no need to be a pest love! If you fancy a piece o’ me just say so and we’ll cut through all this chit-chat crap!” But Nooooo!
“Hugh Laurie’s ‘The Gun Seller’.”
“Is it good?”
“Yes, so far. I’m only on page 12.”
“Oh, right.” Awkward silence, again, then “But, of course, you don’t have pages, as such, with a Kindle do you!”
“No…you don’t.” NUTTER!
I quickly audit my position: No headphones on now; no eyes on Kindle, looking towards ATW but not at her, more an optical no-man’s land; being too polite; (feels like) a twisted smile on my face; and a deep-pit feeling that I'd be happier stringing myself up! In short: Crap!
Just as I contemplate considering assertive action options – I can’t tell you what they were; I didn't get past contemplating considering – ATW manoeuvres to get up. I assume this is to alight, though with her I can't be sure. I stand up to let ATW pass, handbag and large hardback book in each hand.
“Well, thank you ...for?... for telling me ... about?... about your Kindle.”
“Oh that’s-“
“And your music...lost the will now!...Bach was it?”
“Yes. Okay, no-“
“Maybe see you again.”
“Yes (hope not!!)…maybe.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
As ATW gets off I feel guilty thinking of her as strange. But as the train pulls away, her large hardback book waves goodbye to me. I wave back, and the guilt disappears!
Looking back on the encounter ATW did, in fact, make me review my on-train social policy. She persuaded me, that unless I patented a weird-ometer for identifying people not to sit next to on account of their weirdyness, or against my nature, obtained a 3rd Dan black belt in rudeness, I should in future embrace, not resist ATW and similar irregular commuters. After all, who knows, if you talk to weirdos for long enough, they may finally turn out to be normal, just like us!
“Hello.” She must see I have headphones on!
“Chilly this morning!”
Headphones? On ears?
“Yes”
Silence for a moment, from her, not ‘Today’ which I’m trying to listen to.
I’m seated now in a 2-person only row and delve into my back-pack for my Kindle.
“Kindle a?”
“Yes”
“How do you find it? I like the feel of a book in my hands myself,” weird caressing hand movements in sync “but am thinking of trying one!”
“Yes, well, I like it.” I feel I should elaborate now; don’t want to appear rude. What I really want to do is close my eyes and listen to the news, then when I lose 3G (and thereby Radio 4), read my book (Kindle) while listening to some easy music.
“Light-weight, different fonts, readable in all light, the size never changes whatever book you’re reading.” I stop there with a polite smile; had enough chat now. I turn my head straight and close my eyes, Kindle on lap.
Aaah, that’s better, just me, Jim and Justin mulling world matters, questioning-
“Look at the size of this!” I open my eyes and look ahead. I then begrudgingly begin to turn my head left towards (now) Annoying Talking Woman (ATW) but my head-turning is too pedestrian for her. She thrusts a large hardback book in front of me.
“Well, that’s big” I offer as a trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo response. I then, oddly, wonder where she produced this book from. All I can see on her lap is a handbag.
“Yes.” A long awkward silence follows. Then, “It is!”
Oookay! I must close my eyes. Turn away and shut them, now.
Right, okay, who are you talking to Justin? Ah yes, it’s Jim in Washington on Syria-
“Do you think I can get non-fiction books on Kindle?”
Oh come on, headphones on a! Listening to something! Eyes open, head turn left, trying-to-be-nice-to-the-weirdo smile (but I’m not bloody taking my headphones off!)
“Yes you can!” Polite addition…added “Though I tend to just stick to fiction.” Smile, head returned to straight, eyes closed-
“I think I might try one then!”
Eyes open, head turn left, smile.
“Sounds good.” Shit! 3G has dropped out. It’ll be intermittent from now on, then totally gone. Time for some music. I change from radio app. to offline Spotify and some classical. Turn it up so that ATW might hear it as well. A not-so-subtle message that this boy’s not for talking, even if (I am loathe to admit) she is quite pretty with a can’t-place-it-but-cute accent – soft Celt in there I think. I immerse my ears in Bach and engage eyes on my Kindle.
A female hand with pointing forefinger then strays across my visual path and screen.
Oh dear God, what now!
Head up, volume-control/microphone combo button (v-c/mcb) on headphones to Stop, face turn left, smile.
“Nice music. What is it?” So what was the hand pointy thing across my line of sight all about? I’m not taking these headphones off! No, I’m really bloody not!
“’Air’, by Bach.” Silence. Do I turn away now, back to the music and book? Go on, turn away!
“Nice! The music!”
“Yes.” I smile, turn away, hand to v-c/mcb.
“And what you reading?”
She’s having a bloody laugh! I fold! Headphones off.
I hate being polite! I wish I could be one of those people who might say
“Piss off!” Or “Can’t you see I’m bloody listening to something – slash – reading something?” Or what about “There’s no need to be a pest love! If you fancy a piece o’ me just say so and we’ll cut through all this chit-chat crap!” But Nooooo!
“Hugh Laurie’s ‘The Gun Seller’.”
“Is it good?”
“Yes, so far. I’m only on page 12.”
“Oh, right.” Awkward silence, again, then “But, of course, you don’t have pages, as such, with a Kindle do you!”
“No…you don’t.” NUTTER!
I quickly audit my position: No headphones on now; no eyes on Kindle, looking towards ATW but not at her, more an optical no-man’s land; being too polite; (feels like) a twisted smile on my face; and a deep-pit feeling that I'd be happier stringing myself up! In short: Crap!
Just as I contemplate considering assertive action options – I can’t tell you what they were; I didn't get past contemplating considering – ATW manoeuvres to get up. I assume this is to alight, though with her I can't be sure. I stand up to let ATW pass, handbag and large hardback book in each hand.
“Well, thank you ...for?... for telling me ... about?... about your Kindle.”
“Oh that’s-“
“And your music...lost the will now!...Bach was it?”
“Yes. Okay, no-“
“Maybe see you again.”
“Yes (hope not!!)…maybe.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
As ATW gets off I feel guilty thinking of her as strange. But as the train pulls away, her large hardback book waves goodbye to me. I wave back, and the guilt disappears!
Looking back on the encounter ATW did, in fact, make me review my on-train social policy. She persuaded me, that unless I patented a weird-ometer for identifying people not to sit next to on account of their weirdyness, or against my nature, obtained a 3rd Dan black belt in rudeness, I should in future embrace, not resist ATW and similar irregular commuters. After all, who knows, if you talk to weirdos for long enough, they may finally turn out to be normal, just like us!
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