I had to go into the office last Saturday. Like many people, I occasionally have to do extra hours. I finished earlier than expected and was back at my station in good time for a mid-afternoon train starting there. Just before boarding, I thought I'd treat myself to a well earned posh coffee and cake.
Walking towards the coffee shop, it looked empty.
'Result!' I thought. But no! Not five paces from the entrance, two huge females ran - nay bounced, in front of me. They were mother and daughter and no exaggeration, they were so large, they blocked out the shop counter lighting. I thought there'd been an interior eclipse!
They proceeded to order two large hot chocolates, with extra cream.
"We're growing girls!" said the mother. I failed to suppress a spluttering choke as my face contorted in shock. They then ordered what I was to discover were the last two chocolate muffins, a blueberry muffin
"to share" and
"Oh go on then, we'll have the last chocolate brownie as well."
At this point I couldn't actually see if anything was left, on account of the dark and the wall of wobbling flesh. As they moved aside to collect their drinks, however, and my eyes re-adjusted to the blazing counter light, I could see what was left - bugger all!
Sorry, I lie, there was a singular vanilla wafer biscuit. I begrudgingly ordered it quickly, in case the waifs returned for more, along with a small latte.
As I sat in an empty carriage waiting for departure, I looked at my sorry purchases and reflected on the treat that got away. Except, it hadn't got away. Instead, mum and Shaza* squeezed through the adjoining carriage door (one at a time sideways in case you were wondering) and, howz yer luck, sat one row up and across from me. They had the whole bloody carriage, train, to sit in!
To give you some idea of the scene, the two of them occupied three seats. Shaza wore a greying white skirt. A tent by any other name, on her it was more like a belt. Mum showed a smidgen more class, in brown leggings that pinched and a clinging white top that left no roll of fat to the imagination.
I put my anorexic wafer in my pocket unable to face it and sipped my latte wishing I could tip it away. No such restraint hindered mum and Shaza, though, as they slurped at their chocolates.
Then came the feast. The chocolate muffins were first. No time lost devouring them! The only waste appeared to be the volume of crumbs resting on mum's upper tyre. But waste not want not; Shaza spotted them and picked and ate them as well. Next was the blueberry muffin. Momentarily out of sight in Shaza's hand, she broke it in half with a delicacy last seen on earth during the Jurassic period. After another stereo-slurp of chocolate, traces of which could be seen on either side of mum's mouth, both ate their respective halves in two gulps. Well, one in the case of mum, who subsequently made a noisy meal of licking her fingers. To my shock, she then announced
"Mmmm, I'm stuffed!" Less of a shock was Shaza's response.
"Good! That means the brownie's all mine!" Whereupon, she unwrapped the last cake from the shop and gorged it in two bites. The greedy pig!
I'm sure we've all witnessed a level of on-rail gluttony in our commuting lives. But honestly, mum and Shaza almost took my biscuit!
*Shazza is a name change to protect identities.
